#Lucifer wants a refund...at first

[aro-in-danyl]

Alastor as a "Gift from God" AU

Inspired by the TV Show Lucifer. I could not get this idea out of my head so into the tumblr void it goes.

Edit: PART 2 up now.

----------------------

Sera could count on one hand the number of times the Almighty personally called for her. And every single one before was the precursor to some disaster or threat.

She was confused when she was beckoned past the throne room, away from the meeting rooms, and into the Almighty's workshop. There was no dust or cobwebs for God would not allow it, but it was known among the higher-ups that The Almighty had not had the motivation for creation in eons.

"The screams of the damned awoke me today," God's many hands reached out from their ineffable form to grasp jars and potions of dubious origins.

Sera stiffened. "I thought you could not see into Lucifer's domain."

She had not dared to think she could hide the First Extermination from The Almighty's gaze but she'd hoped she have more time.

"Never before today have souls perished a second time." God collected more vials and instruments that Sera could not for the life of her understand the purpose of.

"Such fear," and they sounded sad, "over the birth of one child."

The Anti-Christ, Lucifer's daughter was more than just a simple baby. Her parents had hidden her for decades, but the change in their attitude was noticeable even before her existence was made known to heaven. Lucifer again grew bolder and more fanatical with his ideas and Lilith-

If they'd only known sooner.

Silence passed as God worked. Sera kept her head bowed so she could not see what was being created. But they did not demand she stop the exterminations, and that was enough for her to finally raise her head and peak at The Almighty's first creation in centuries.

A soul. Or what would become one soon enough.

Her curiosity finally broke through. "You have not crafted a soul by hand since-" She cut herself off. No need to push her luck.

"This soul is a gift." They said. And they began to spin the soul threads together, "They will be an equal. Unchanging. Dynamic. Static. Chaotic." With every word a new thread merged with the steadily-brightening soul.

"A defender. An assailant...An Avenger."

With the final word of God, the soul was finished. But, barring the confusion of all those conflicting traits, Sera was caught up on the first sentence of this new soul's purpose.

"A gift to who?"

God did not answer. But that left her with another more pressing question.

"The creation of a new soul is a breath-taking experience to witness," she began carefully, "But why have you called me here?"

In answer, God reached behind themselves to a corner that Sera had not paid attention to and pulled out the tip of a spear. One from Adam's exorcists.

She tensed as God held it up to the fragile new soul. Angelic steel was crafted solely to bring death to the damned. To souls. Was this her punishment? To bear witness to the creation of life, of potential goodness, only to watch it be snuffed out before it even had a chance?

God pressed the spear to the soul, "Your Exorcists should take heed," the spear stabbed into the soul and Sera couldn't help but cry out in despair. But the soul did not whither or fade. She watched as the spear tip was catapulted away at lightning speed, burying itself in the wall across from them.

"And avoid his attention."

[shapard]

Feather of Fate 🕊️

Lucifer x fem!seraphim!reader

Soulmate arc

Lilith being weird

Saturn

Chapter 6 < Chapter 7 > Chapter 8

You’ve never felt this out of place before. 

Even in heaven it wasn't this awkward.

You were sitting beside Lucifer who hasn’t talked since you’ve arrived here in the main lobby. 

Lilith was sitting in front of you all like she hasn’t been missing for 7 years.

Walking around as if she owns this place. And it angered you.

Charlie was happy to see her mom again after such a long time, but also was hella confused. 

Why is she here all of the sudden right before the extermination day? Charlie wasn't the only one who thought of this.

You too are confused at this ordinary timing.

Angel dust was concerned about you. 

You and Lucifer were now official but the appearance of Lucifers ex-wife was very overwhelming for you, and Angel could see it. 

And one guy was not even presence, and that was Alastor. 

Weird. 

Normally he’s always there when someone new arrived in here. 

“Who are you?” Nifty broke the silence, and all eyes were now on her. 

Lilith choose to Ignore Nifty, and she pouted. “So, you’re… His new girl?” Lilith asked looking you up and down. With her gaze lingering now on her you felt insecure somehow.

You hugged yourself to look smaller.

You nodded your head 'yes', even though you didn’t like the tone Lilith gave you. 

“She’s his girlfriend and she has a name big tits.” Angel said raising his eyebrows.

He didn’t trust her.

Not at all.

Lilith smirked and leaned back in her seat.

“I don't care. Really her Lu?” Lilith looked over at Lucifer and he looked shortly back.

his gaze went quickly to the ground.

It was obvious that Lilith still had Lucifer in her fingers, and it pissed you off. 

“Excuse me?” You decided to interrupt her cruel speaking.

She looked at you in surprise, and you huff in annoyance.

“You really think you can just come over here and talk here as if this place belongs to you.

Sorry for breaking the news to you, but you’re no longer the owner of this house, nor do you have the right to come here to Insult your ex.

You left him and I’m here. No refunds.” You Shaked your head, Angel dust smirked at you come back. 

He’s so proud of you.

Lucifer smiled, every day he gets more reasons to love you. 

“What are you even doing here?” Lucifer finally looked at Lilith and he felt nothing. 

No Love, no sadness. 

Lilith bit her lip hard, drawing blood. “Can’t I visit my little daughter.”

Lucifer raised his eyebrow, “You never visit nor called her in over 7 years. What changed!” No one gets after his daughter, not even her Mother.

Not even Lilith.

Lilith patient was running thin, she scratched with her nail into the wood piece from the couch breaking her nails in the process. 

She took a breath in and out. “I had a lot of important things to do.” 

Now y’all were raising a brow at this statement, besides Charlie.

She had faith for the first time that her mother wants to see her again. 

But you all had a valid point, why now? 

“It seems no one wants me here. I’ll leave, but I will come back.”

She looked now at Lucifer smiling at his angered face. ‘you’ll see’ She mouthed at him, he pointed towards the door.

And she left.

“That was way too easy.” Husk said that what all thought. She left you all dumbfounded. 

It was way too easy.

Angel shifted towards you and Lucifer. “So, you two a thing now?” You nod your head and smile brightly. 

He wanted to change the topic so you don't overthink all of this, and it worked successfully.

Charlie bounced up and down dismissing the weird visit from her mother. She's so excited for the two of you.

Charlie is a cutie pie, and you love everything about her. She is just like her father, the pros so the cons. Both just want to do their best for their beloved.

Even though they sometimes fuck up, it is always meant in a good way.

“You said It yourself seconds ago. Why are you even asking?” Lucifer asked and rested his chin on your shoulder.

He loves that he's shorter than you. Every time you two hugged he was always between your boobs. Even though he wears a hat to look taller.

Angel just shrugged and continued to drink his Malibu with his well known smile.

… Time Skip...

Lucifer paced around your room, and you watched his every move. 

You stood up and hugged his waist looking down into his eyes. Sometimes he was looking at you, but they travelled through the whole room most of the time.

“Luci, calm down. Nothing happened we are fine.” His strand fell in front of his eyes, and you put it back to its place, Lucifer clicked his tongue.

“That’s what’s worrying me. Why didn’t she do anything? I know Lilith since the start of earth, she wouldn’t just leave in those situations without a reason.” 

Lucifer leaned into you embrace letting out a distressed sigh. 

"Don't worry about it. You're one of the strongest beings, she wouldn't dare to put out a fight like Michael did." Lucifers sighs, you're probably right.

_____

“You just left?!” Michael laughed biting at his fresh manicured nail. 

His women staff around him tensed up, wanting nothing more than to leave.

Michael sent them away. They ran as fast as they could out of the room.

“And you didn’t even spy on them? Tried anything to get useful Information?! I really wonder why you divorced him and not the other way around.” He breathed in and threw a glass cup next to Lilith. 

“But you just LEFT?!” 

He shook his head, his eyes shining in pure blue. 

“They’re soulmates.” She whispered. Not looking at him with his icy cold eyes.

She hated that look in his eyes he was giving her.

He looked at her like she is a piece of garbage, something he should've got disposed of.

Something that now molds in one of his cabinets.

the only reason why she is still alive was her use for him.

And something else they both tried to hide and undo.

Michael’s mark burned in protest but it won’t stop him to punish Lilith.

“NO SHIT!” he leaned his hand in his palm trying to calm down. massaging his forehead hardy leaving a red fingerprint.

“Your plan failed Michael. It worked for a couple of Months but not longer. It seemed their bond grew stronger.” A loud bang echoed the icy cold halls in Michael’s mansion. 

The temperature was starting to get colder and colder. 

Ice started to grow around Lilith holding her tight in place. “I should’ve killed you a long time ago.”

He stood in front of Lilith cutting her cheek open with the same knife your blood was spilled. 

“I- I- have an idea!” Michael removed the knife from her cheek with ease.

Lilith feared him you thought? 

Feared was the wrong word.

She’s haunted by him. 

Every time she thinks she’s in peace, he reminds her that he has her in her personal hell.

The sharing Soulmate mark was burning on her skin bonding then for eternity.

“Tell me.” Michael licked Lilith’s blood away from her cheek and she shrieked trying to get away from him. But his ice didn’t let her move. 

“We can use her,”

Michael grabbed her chin turning Lilith head to him, “I already tried that Bitch.”

Lilith looked at Michael and shrugged her eyes at him, “But my idea is better.” 

Michael eyes twitched in annoyance, how dare she?

“On extermination day, we can take her away from him.”

______

You knocked onto Charlie’s door hesitant.

You were worried about her.

You know how it is with mommy Issues and when they try to gain something out of you. Out of your weakness and dreams. 

No one can destroy you like a mother can. No one can build you up like a loving mother. And no one can cause destruction like a mother.

You speak out of experience with your mother Sera.

Even though you’ve almost spoken no words with Lilith, she seems kind of like an asshole.

It was all Lilith's fault which caused Charlie and Lucifer being so distant to each other.

Saying always Lucifer was too busy to see his own daughter, which isn’t even true. 

And telling Lucifer that Charlie doesn't want to see her own father.

You didn’t like Lilith at all.

Charlie opened the door and was shocked to see you there. 

“Y/n?” You briefly smiled to her, “Can I get in?” She tilted her head and gave you a concerned look. “Did something happen with dad?” 

You shook your head laughing a bit, “I just want to know if everything’s alright with you? Just a quick check.” Charlie nods her head, not looking you in the eye. 

“I can see when someone’s lying my dear.” Charlie looks up to you, “pfft- No. I am completely fine! really!” She laughed you off, pushing you out of her and Vaggies room. 

“If you say so.” You said, not really believing her. Charlie puts her thumbs up and closed the door right in front of you. 

So that’s how Lucifer felt.

Not a nice feeling.

You can understand Charlie, you’re new. New to this Family, new to her. 

So, you understand when she doesn’t want to share her feelings with you. but it was worth a shot. 

You didn't spend much time with Charlie nor her friends.

You talked sometimes with Angel or with Husk. They seemed nice.

You had once a conversation with Alastor and Lucifer wasn’t really a fan of it. 

Lucifer creeped behind you and gave Alastor a rude comment.

He growled at Alastor and pushed you away from him. 

Since then, you always keep yourself distant from Alastor. 

You walked towards the bar seeing Angel and Husk drinking some cocktails and shots.

You sat beside Angel, telling husk to make you a good drink. 

“Never seen you drink alcohol before. Tough day?” Husk asked grabbing some bottles from the shelves. “Nah, just want to try something new.” 

Angel looked you up and down smiling. “You look different.” His fingers drew circles on the bar table, biting his lips in a sexual matter. 

“Did you and the short king finally get into some action?” He pushed his chest fur up and fluffed it a bit. 

And here we go.

Of course, Angel will notice.

Your cheeks redden, feeling the sudden embarrassed. 

“What? No- where did you get that idea from?!” You started playing with the glass that husk laid in front of you moments ago. 

Angel frowned, “I do sex for a living toots. But except that, everyone can see it even if you’re blind like a fish.” Angel rests his head on one of his many hands and raised his eyebrows at you. 

“You’re not a good liar kiddo.” Husk said and Angel snorted, “Ya see! Even Mr. grump cat can see it.”

Angel smirked at Husk and continued to tease him. They both stopped giving each other shots when they heard your joyful laugh. 

“What?” They both asked in sync.

“You two are like an old married couple.” You continued to laugh out loud.

Meanwhile Husk and Angel were a blushing mess blabbering “No’s” and dismissive comments about how they act. 

“Married couple? No, nah. We two? Never, haha!” Angel blabbered and husk agreed by him. And this went on and on for the rest of day.

Angel, Husk, and you got way closer. 

This was a great day so far. 

But there was an unsettling feeling building up in your guts, telling you to run. 

And you couldn’t figure out why. 

Walking back to your room you saw Alastor on your way back. 

‘Please not him’. 

“Look who we have here!” His smile was unsettling, you wanted to leave before he could try anything to you.

You were all alone and he could use this advantage. But he wouldn't right?

“Oh, hey there Alastor. Sorry we can’t chat any longer, I have stuff to do.” You waved him a goodbye and rushed away from him. 

Please let it work.

“What stuff?” 

Alastor teleported himself in front of you scaring the shit out of you.

You screamed and fell right onto your butt.

A stinging pain was growing in that area. 

“Ow! Wtf Alastor!” You looked up at his well-known wide smile and all he did was smirking even wider.

“You know little Angel; you seem to get comfortable in here. I’m glad you like this beautiful hotel! Do you-“

“Darling! Y/n?!” Lucifer called out for you. Interrupting Alastors chat with you, his ears quickly shifted to the well-known voice which was calling for you. 

Lucifer heard your little scream, and he quickly followed the red string feeling that connected the two of you. 

Alastor hummed and disappeared into his own shadows.

Lucifers eyes shifted around the hallway cursing that this place is too large to find you.

Finally he found you lying on your butt unmoving on the floor.

“Are you okay? What happened.” He helped you up to your feet searching for any damage before looking up to you. 

“Yeah, I guess. Just a weird encounter. Don’t worry about it.” Lucifer sighs but didn’t pry any further.

He trusts you that you’ll tell him when something is wrong. 

When you both were lying in your bed, and he was cuddled all up in your lap. 

All you couldn’t help but think about this unease that thrilled behind your head and in your guts.

It was making you sick, as if you got a rare disease.

You played with his angelic golden hair, hoping it will calm that feeling down, to no success.

It didn't help.

You decided to speak up about this, with Lucifer. Maybe this would help.

“Luci?” He hummed, “I have a bad feeling about this.” He sat up, scared that you mean the relationship you two formed.

Fuck I phrased that wrong. You internally screamed at yourself.

“About what?” 

please, please be something else, please. I thought everything is perfect. Lucifer begged in his head.

You looked onto your shelf where the duck he gifted you was resting. A replica from himself just in a duck form.

It glowing in all their might. You loved this duck; it just was so adorable and remind you of Lucifer so much.

“I don’t know, to be honest. Maybe it is the extermination.” You scratched the back of your head.

Lucifer sighs in relief. Thank God it's just that.

“Don’t worry your head about it Apple pie. Nothing will happen to you.”

Oh, how he will regret saying that. 

A/n: What do you think will Lilith and Michael do with Y/n?

Annnd one final Question:

💫

@ayanazoldyck @marydragneell @lunaryasha @cherry-cola-100 @lxkeee @latersgaters-steven @fandom-crashlanding @cupidsgift @steadyconnoisseurnacho @crimsonflameproxy @stormz369 @wooleypeaches @fukingsad @starlitvenus @avadakadabra93 @itzabbeym @asmodeussimpnumber1 @sirenetheblogger @k1y0yo @i-have-no-life-charlie @angelicwillows

A/n (again):Thank you for all the lovely comments, likes and repost<3 And FOR THE 300 FOLLOWERS DAYUM. We got new pookies❤️

btw I'm sick so if this chapter (or the next) comes later than normal I apologize.

[isadollie]

hello !! i saw your reqs for hcs and scenarios were open so i thought i'd send something in. can you do the OM brothers w/ an s/o who isn't really tech savvy? coming from someone who grew up surrounded by technology but absolutely sucks at it. thank you !! <3

obey me! brothers x bad at technology gn!s/o

a bit funny (or so i tried), pretty unserious sorry 😭

— Lucifer:

• this proud expression on his face

• gets all cocky

• secretly glad to be the one who teaches you all this

• would give you head pats probably,,,

• starts to explain with a gentle tone

• then diavolo calls for him and he gets annoyed cause his precious time with you has been disturbed

• helps diavolo as fast as he can and comes back to you

• he's like "okay, so... where did we leave off?"

• and then you say "oh no, it's okay, Levi already showed me everything when you were gone"

• and then Levi went missing

— Mammon:

• a wicked smile instantly forms on his face

• says you picked the right person to teach you (you picked the worst person to teach you)

• "Aww, don't worry, it's okay. The Great Mammon will teach you everything you have to know!"

• *some time later*

• "okay, so basically, this is the only app you need for now. the bank app. now look, here you type my name... yes, good. and now you type, hm.. let's say, 1000 grimm. perfect! and now you click 'send'! just like that! amazing!"

• "also forgot to mention, this is a very important operation for your phone. so you have to repeat this process twice a day, okay? make sure you type my name there or else it won't work"

• then he runs away and prays you won't tell Lucifer about it

— Leviathan:

• will actually help you!!

• or at least he claims to do so

• 100% called you a normie but well, he does that all the time

• explains what he thinks is the most important

• and you think to yourself "oh, okay, cool, i get it!" and you're eager to learn more cause he's actually helping

• eventually it ends with him showing you where you can watch the whole hana ruri movie for free

• then wants to play games with you

• end of learning

— Satan:

• side eye

• "why would you want to learn such things anyway? the real knowledge comes from books"

• gives you like 10 different books to read, obviously none of them is related to the subject

• it ends up being a cute reading date

• in reality he's just too proud to admit that he's terrible at technology himself

• poor man just doesn't want to embarrass himself in front of you

— Asmodeus:

• will be so happy you asked for his help!

• in fact, you didn't ask, he offered it himself, but would tell everybody that you came to him first

• but forgive him for lying, cause he's actually helping

• he shows you the most important apps you should have on your phone, what do you when this or that is wrong with your computer, how to order at akuzon and ask for a refund and honestly everything you can think of

• is also pretty chill about it, seems like it brings him joy to share what he knows with you

• only disadvantage is, he will cling to you the whole time

• will hold your hand at all times and if you try and dodge his touches, he will stop talking unless you hold him back

— Beelzebub:

• doesn't really wanna help

• would prefer to take you out to a restaurant

• but you insisted

• so he agrees, cause he always agrees to whatever you say sooner or later

• takes your phone and downloads every possible food delivery app

• proud of himself

• but then he gets hungry (who would have thought)

• and tells you to order you two some food from your phone

• you do it and he's happy cause 1. he feels like he taught you things and 2. he'll get food

— Belphegor:

• alright, no problem

• at least that's what he says

• then it turns out there is a problem

• cause he doesn't know how to turn on the computer

• you said it's okay, you can try another time

• but he says no, he will figure it out in a minute

• more than a minute passed and he didn't figure it out

• you two gave up and just went to Levi's room

hope it's okay haha, it was pretty fun to write ngl

requests for scenarios/hcs always open!

[twdteacakes]

Writing Commissions Open!!!

It is my pleasure to announce that for the first time ever, I am taking requests for writing and fanfiction commissions! If you would like examples of my work, then you can head over to AO3;

AO3 does not contain my full portfolio, only everything I have wrote post-2018. I have been writing for ten years but I will not subject you to my old work, because that would class as torture.

PRICES:

SFW - £10 – 1500 words

NSFW – The Ace Tax - £15 – 1500 words

After these thresholds, every extra 100 words costs £1

If you cannot afford it, then I am willing to negotiate a lower price, so feel free to have a chat with me, I don't bite! I’m sure we can work something out.

WILL DO:

Any genre and fandom, first person POV, third person POV, ships, OCs, original stories and more.

FANDOMS I AM FAMILIAR WITH: Telltale’s The Walking Dead, Sonic the Hedgehog, Pokemon, The Legend of Zelda, Uncharted, The Last of Us, Resident Evil, Five Nights at Freddy’s, Bugsnax, Alan Wake, A Plague Tale, Lucifer. If the fandom you want me to write a story for is not listed here, then just ask me, I might be familiar with it and if not, then I am willing to dive into uncharted territory.

RULES:

Please give me plenty of time to finish commissions, I have a full-time job that keeps me very busy. I’ll update you on my progress every 2-3 days, but if you haven’t heard from me, then I don’t mind if you shoot me a message, just don’t push me too hard.

Once we’ve agreed on the price, I humbly request that you pay half upfront and half after completion.

You must be 18+ to request a NSFW story. I will not under any circumstances write incest, r*pe or anything sexual involving minors. I reserve the right to turn down a request if it makes me uncomfortable.

If you’re unhappy with the finished product then I’m more than willing to edit it, free of charge, until you’re satisfied, but I don’t do refunds after completion, due to the time and energy I have spent.

If you contact me here on tumblr, we can discuss matters further or move the conversation to discord or email, which ever you prefer (I will, of course, provide you with my username/email address depending on what option you choose)

I accept payment via either Paypal or Ko-Fi.

Side note; If you've been following me for a while and enjoy my work, then you can leave me a tip on Ko-Fi, but only if you are financially able and actually want to, no pressure whatsoever!

Thank you so much for reading this long winded announcement, I look forward to possibly working with you in the future :D

[parad-ice-lostandfound]

DEVILDOM SHENANIGANS (FT. THE AUTHOR PT 4)

Lucifer: Satan, keep an eye on Mammon today. He’s going to say something to the wrong person and get punched.

Satan: Sure, I’d love to see Mammon get punched.

Lucifer: Try again.

Satan, sighing: I will stop Mammon from getting punched.

Me: You lying, cheating, piece of shit!

Solomon: Oh yeah? You’re the idiot who thinks you can get away with everything you do. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!

Me: I’m leaving, and I’M TAKING LUKE WITH ME-

Simeon, picking up the monopoly board: I think we’re gonna stop playing now.

Levi: I think Ice was right.

Satan: I’m surprised she hasn’t marched in here to say ‘I told you so.’

Mammon: She wouldn’t do that.

Me: You’re right, Mammon. For once in your life, you’re 100% right. I would never say that.

Me: *turns around, the shirt I’m wearing says 'I Told You So’ on the back*

Mammon: *Screams*

Levi: *Screams louder to assert dominance*

Beel: Should we do something?

Me, observing: No, I wanna to see who wins this.

*Squad reactions to being told ‘I love you’*

Asmo: Thanks darling!

Satan: Oh no-

Me: *cries* I love you too

Levi: Sounds fake but okay

Mammon: *A flustered mess*

Belphie: Can I get a refund?

Me: Dumbest scar stories, go!

Satan: I burned my tongue once drinking tea.

Asmo: I dropped a hair dryer on my leg once and burned it.

Levi: I have a piece of graphite in my leg for accidentally stabbing myself with a pencil in the first grade.

Mammon: I was taking a cup of noodles out of the microwave and spilled it on my hand and I got a really bad burn.

Belphie:

Belphie: I have emotional scars.

Me:

Me: Same bro-

Me: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I’ll wait.

Diavolo : You and me!!!

Me, tearing up: Okay.

Me: You’re my best friend, I would do anything for you.

Diavolo : I want you to eat three meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule.

Me: Absolutely not.

[nanawritesit]

Obey Me Demon Bros if you watched Regular Show with them

Lucifer:

sympathizes with Benson bc he’s always yelling at his brothers like he yells at Mordecai and Rigby

accidentally starts adding “OR YOU’RE FIRED” at the end of every command

his favorite episode is probably the one where Benson gets demoted and starts acting like a slacker, bc he’s imagined what it’d be like if he quit all his responsibilities for a day

or the one where Pops forbids Benson from yelling at Mordecai and Rigby all day and he has a massive meltdown

gets inspired by Benson and makes everyone go to a “mandatory karaoke night” to boost morale around the HOL

would definitely risk his life just to get back his brothers’ stick hockey game like Benson did, despite what he might say

thinks it’s really funny when Benson’s gumballs turn red

“MC, does my face get that red when I yell at mammon?”

Mammon:

his favorite character is probably Rigby bc he’s always messing things up and getting punched

he’ll try to tell you he relates more to mordecai, but we all know who he is

although, he does simp for you in the way mordecai simps for margaret

but he also relates to C.J because he always feels like a second choice :(

also #1 Mordecai and C.J shipper

starts asking you to “do him a solid” every time he wants something

really likes the episode where rigby gets sick of mordecai making fun of him for not having his high school diploma and drinks a months worth of doses of smart juice to make him “more smarter” because the package “didn’t say not to”

starts doing burnouts in his car like Muscle Man does with the cart

also likes to do the “OOOOHHHHH” with the arm twirl

acts like the show is stupid at first but then binges the entire series with you

Leviathan:

likes any of the episodes with a video game plot

the one where the hammer character becomes real and fights them reminds him of his quirky games that launch you all into mayhem

also likes the episode where Mordecai gets jealous of Rigby for going on a date with Margaret and accidentally kills him

“that’s how i feel when Mammon talks to you MC”

roots for them when they have to fight that game store manager who sold them a shitty RPG for a refund

starts going “YAY-YUH” when he wins a video game

hi-five ghost is probably his favorite character bc he “looks cool”

probably likes Eileen too bc she’s awkward af flirting with Rigby, feels like her when he tries to be smooth with you

#1 Rigby and Eileen shipper

Satan:

says Benson reminds him of Lucifer, and refuses to admit that his own meltdowns are extremely similar

thinks it’s funny whenever Benson just walks away from everyone in disappointment

starts using Mordecai’s “how are you gonna do that with your third grade education” insult

writes down all the pranks they plan so he can try them on Lucifer

his favorite character is probably Skips bc he’s the wisest and always has some sort of mystical solution

laughs uncontrollably at Muscle Man crying in the shower over his girlfriend dumping him (Satan cries in the shower bc he doesn’t want anyone to see or hear him, no one can convince me otherwise)

favorite episode is probably the one where Rigby gets jealous of his brother Don bc everyone likes him better (he feels the same way ab Lucifer)

AND he really likes the one where Mordecai loses a bet and goes blonde (the brothers have definitely called him blondie before idc what anyone says)

Asmodeus:

#1 shipper of Mordecai and Margaret

shouts flirting tips at the screen while Mordecai fails to ask Margaret out

favorite episode is the one where Muscle Man quits the park and becomes a gut model

cries for like an hour over Skips’ backstory episode

also cheers for Muscle Man when he gets back together with Starla

likes the episode where they watch that british horror movie about a killer taxi and Rigby gets scared shitless, it reminds him of horror movie night

the party pete episode is another one of his favorites, he’s definitely gone a little too hard on the demonus and became him before

AND the one where Mordecai and Rigby get drunk at karaoke and talk shit ab everyone on stage (him and Mammon have definitely done something similar while clubbing)

Beelzebub:

loves the episode where Rigby won’t stop eating junk food and turns into a puddle of goo

and the one where they almost kill Skips just to get a free cake

probably relates to Skips the most bc he’s the biggest/ strongest

especially when Rigby cheats at arm wrestling and makes Skips have an entire identity crisis bc he doesn’t think he’s the strongest anymore

definitely tries Mordecai’s halloween costume where he had five “kids” with him to get extra candy

also probably likes Pops bc he’s the cinnamon roll of the group

starts calling bagels “whole wheat donuts”

unironically laughs at Muscle Man’s my mom jokes

also starts whipping his shirt off and swinging it around his head like Muscle Man does after his Fangol tournaments

Belphegor:

tries to sleep through the episodes but ends up getting really interested in the lore

totally relates with Rigby’s laziness

speaking of which, his favorite episode is the one where Rigby hires a temp to do all his work for him

he definitely tries to hire someone to go to school for him so he can sleep all day (Lucifer catches him after like two days though)

starts hamboning at Lucifer everytime he tries to yell at him

after Beel does Mordecai’s halloween trick, he’ll try Rigby’s, where he jumps out of the bushes dressed as an old timey robber and goes “GIMMIE CANDY LADY”

him and beel also do mordecai and rigby’s songs and dances

“DONT LOOK AT OUR CROTHES WHILE WE SYNCHRONIZE OUR WATCHES! BWOOP BWOOP BWOOP, BWOOP BWOOP BWOOP, BWOOP WOOP WOOP WOOOOO”

“GIVE US A RAISE LUCIFER”

beel: “i don’t mean to brag, i don’t mean to boast, but i got some hummus for these mini toasts!”

belphie: “HUUUUUMMUS!”

lucifer: “why are you guys yelling hummus.”

“NOT SETTIN UP THE CHAIRS NEXT TIME, NOT SETTIN UP THR CHAIRS NEXT TIME, UH!”

“CAUSE WE KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT SCARY MOVIES, AND YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT SCARY MOVIES-“

lucifer: “STOP SINGING OR YOU’RE FIRED”

[books-and-catears]

So I had this little idea and immediately thought, only Shio can write this one. So in the classical situation where MC finds embarrassing baby photos of the characters. (For the brothers, maybe Dia/Mephisto/Raph provided them. For Dia it was Barbs & vice versa.) she is fawning over them, giggling at the embarrassing ones and cooing at the adorable ones. The person under the spotlight wants to die until she accidentally goes "if our kids aren't this cute, I want a refund." How would they react?

Awww you thought of me?! 🥺🥺🥺😭😭 Thank you that's such a honor to hear! Also this ask is so damn fluffy and hilarious I'm going to die ahahhahahaha I'll definitely have fun writing this one 🤣🤣🤣

"If our kids aren't this cute, I want a refund."*

Part 1: The Brothers

When you snuck into restricted section of the Royal library, this isn't exactly what you expected to find. All the cursed books were out in the open, but their old photo albums are here?

You picked out the one with his name. You sat yourself down in the chair next to the lamplight, flipping through the pages.

He was already looking for you when he heard your giggles echoing through the otherwise quiet library.

And of course he flipped out when he saw the album of his baby photos in your hands, rushing over to your side.

"You know", You smirked in his direction,"If our kids aren't this cute, I want a refund."

Lucifer

"MC, hand those over. That's highly inappropriate." He tries to snatch it away out of your grip but it seems to slip from his hand and go right back into yours.

But you click your tongue and hold it tight. "Diavolo gave me full permission to rummage through whatever I want."

Lucifer grumbles. He's going to kill Mammon for handing copies of their pictures back from the Celestial Realm just for some casino chips from Diavolo.

"Aww look at that smile, that's the purest smile I've ever seen! You look so happy just staring at your new wings! Look at you trying to hold them!" You giggle and your finger carressing his face on the photo.

After you say the line*, he gets shocked for just a moment before he breaks into a smirk. "Rest assured MC, we'll make a much cuter one. Especially since you'll be involved."

Mammon

"OI HUMAN! PUT THOSE DOWN! WHERE DID YOU FIND THOSE?!" Mammon and you wrestled for the photos for a while before you yelled "Stay!"

"This is Levi's collection and he gave me full authority to look at them. Even keep some if I want to." You waved around a photo cheekily.

Mammon struggles to move but he's glued in position. He can't even look away from your gleeful face. That's it, Levi has a storm coming now. "Damnit MC!"

"Look at you baby Mammon just clinging to Lucifer's arm I cannot!! And here's Lucifer giving in and carrying you. This is too cute please!" You squeal pressing kisses on the photo.

After you say the line*, watch him as he falls back on some shelves to steady himself, his face burning red. "Oi! Don't just go around saying things like that! And besides the Great Mammon is bound to create cute babies!"

Leviathan

"MC! WHY DO YOU HAVE THOSE! WHERE DID THEY EVEN COME FROM?! NO MC DON'T LOOK AT THOSE!" Levis howls echoed throughout the library.

"Mammon lost a game of cards and he lost this album in a bet. It's mine now, Levi. So I can look at it as much as I want." You smiled slyly.

Levi tried to get to you but it helped that he pulled away whenever your hands lingered on top of each other too long. He was definitely going to get his revenge on Mammon. Why would anyone place bets on these embarassing things?!!!

"Oh my god, little Admiral Levi in training?! Look how cute you look! Pretending to be fierce with a finger pointing forward like that!" You nuzzled the picture.

After you say the line*, Levi has an actual nosebleed. Of course, the first thing that comes to his mind is the baby making process. "Noooo I won't! I won't ruin Baby MC's looks using my genes absolutely not!"

Satan

"No. Absolutely not. MC, please doNOT look at those. What do you mean you've already seen more than half of the album?!" Satan was too late to salvage his embarassment.

"I'm sorry Satan, Asmo handed me these albums of him and his cute baby brothers so I couldn't resist." You smile cheekily and wave around a photo you decided to keep.

Satan slumped on the sofa next to you, pinching the agitated crease between his brows while his face flushed pink. He couldn't look you in the eye. Asmo, you're dead. You're dead cat food.

"Oh my word, is that baby Satan's first experience with a cat. Look how it's nuzzling you! Look how happy you look! My whole heart!" You cooed and hugged the picture to your heart.

After you say the line*,Satan looks at you wide eyed before he grins and moves closer to you. "Hmm I have to read up if humans and demons can even procreate but I willing to try again and again, MC."

Asmodeus

"Oooh are you looking at pictures of me? Want me to join you and tell you more about it?" Asmo unlike his brothers was over eager to share his memories with you.

"Yes absolutely please. Satan told me you might be willing." You smiled, scooting over so he could sit right next to you.

Asmo was having the time of his life. Getting to talk about himself to someone who actually cares. "This was when I finally become a cherub! Aren't my wings pretty, MC?"

"Flowers in your hair and garlands on your wings?! You did this all yourself!? A baby stylist you were! How adorable!" You said, pressing Asmo's cheeks cause you couldn't help it.

After you say the line*, he gasps and squeals in excitement. "MC darling with both of us combined? We'll have the cutest baby in all three realms!"

Beelzebub & Belphegor

"Oh it seems MC found our old pictures. Let's go see, Belphie!" Beel was more than happy to reminisce as he immediately sat down next to you.

"Ugh fine. But don't let anyone else find out. And no teasing allowed, MC. We couldn't exactly consent to our photos being taken back then." Belphie was more grumpy as he laid head on your lap.

"Well Lucifer said I'm allowed to use these for your birthday planning so I can do what I want hehehe." You grinned cheekily before snuggling in with both of them.

"That's when Belphie started falling asleep in random places. High up on the trees, by the windows using the curtains as blankets, in kitchen cupboards sometimes." Beel laughed as he pointed out.

"Aaah Beel that's only because you crept out of our room past bedtime. I only followed you into the kitchen to make sure you don't eat too much!" Belphie grumbled before breaking into a soft smile.

"And look that's the first time we went to the human realm and brought stuff back." Belphie pointed out.

"And that's Lilith in the back, trying to run away to the Human realm again. She loved it so much she was always sad to come back home." Beel said smiling. "I guess now we can see why, right Belphie?"

They both stared at you as you baby talked and cooed at a picture of them holding hands and posing awkwardly for the camera. "You both are simply too precious! I would have hugged you and never let go if I met you back then hahaha."

After you say the line*,

Beel stares at you wide eyed before looking away embarrased. "Any child of yours would be cute, MC."

Belphie just chuckles and nods. "Sure. We can keep trying until you get one cute enough to your liking."

[astaroth1357]

The Brothers Meeting Their Old Selves

... Because I can't get the angels out of my mind okay?? Now, I'm personally partial to the HC that the brothers would correspond as their opposite virtue (even though I KNOW that really doesn't make any sort of theological sense) so that's what I'm running with here. Just indulge me a moment.

Lucifer->Humility

.... He's going to punch this man in the face.

It doesn't matter that it looks him, it doesn't matter that IS him, it doesn't even matter that it reminds him of his humiliation...

It's because this insufferable prick refuses to acknowledge ANYTHING he does!! It's always, "Well, it was a team effort," or "Really, we're not that talented," or "Lucifer, you should step aside and show some encouragement to your brothers more often..."

It's like spending the day saddled to Simeon... He'll pass. He has work to do and it's not like anyone else is could to do it... (no matter what that drip says...)

Mammon->Charity

To think there was ever a time where he was flat broke... by choice!

Mammon and Charity bicker and argue about everything! The guy took one look in Mammon's room then started babbling about how happy he could make some kids if he gave away his game systems...

Not sold. "Gave away!!" What the hell is he supposed to be, Santa Claus??? It ain't December!! Teach those kids to lockpick, that'll get'em a lot more down the road!

By the time he starts getting real sick of him, he swears if he hears the words, "Pay it forward!" one more time he'll fucking Lose. It. Take'em back already and give him a refund!

Levi->Kindness

... So like they actually kind of get along-ish and Levi's tempted to call him his Henry, Jr.

Poor Kindness isn't really an otaku (he's only dabbled in those human world trinkets) but he's so dang nice that he doesn't have the heart to tell Levi when he's bored/confused/or tired of his rambling...

And when Levi launches into another self-beatdown he can't help but try and cheer him up... Please send help, he's getting tired but Levi hasn't noticed yet...

What they don't see eye-to-eye on at all though is internet trolling. Kindness finds the whole concept abhorrent but Levi seems to thrive on it! Why would anyone want to argue endlessly with someone they don't even like...? It makes him uncomfortable and he wishes they'd just go back to sewing together... (What is a "cosplay?")

Satan->A Literal Wrath Spawn (Think I'd ignore that?)

Can't talk.

No thoughts.

Just fight.

Asmo->Chastity

Oooooh, he was just so cute back then!! Look at him! So sweet, so kind...! So innocent...

Asmo is not allowed to be alone with poor Chastity. It's just... it's just not a good idea.

You don't think he would self-cest in an instant if given a chance? You're kidding yourself! That's a dream come true for him, even if it is a past version. Keep these two separated.

No guarantee that he's not teaching Chastity the words to WAP before he goes though. Michael would be in for a shock...

Beel->Temperance

Beel was pretty nice before and he's still pretty nice now. Him and Temperance get along just fine! Well... expect for...

Temperance can't watch Beel eat. He actually physically cannot stomach it.

The first time he watched Beel scarf down an entire buffet table, he had to run to the nearest trashcan just to hurl. So much food... all gone so fast... and the sounds...!! Where did it all go??

After learning about it, Beel's at least nice enough to wait for Temperance to leave the room before digging into his meals... Who knew he used to have such a weak stomach?

Belphie->Diligence

He forgot that he used to be this... active.

Diligence can't sit fucking still for five seconds, he's always got to be up doing something or making plans to do something later... Yeesh, was he always this productive...?

Belphie, being the little sneak that he is, took one look at Diligence and said, "Want to do some chores for me?" And that was that.

Now he gets to lay back while his cheerful younger self sweeps and mops for the fun of making progress... What a dork. He's going back to sleep....

[regicidal-defenestration]

hi they all sound fantastic but (if you want) im curious about death of AM and we sold our memories? :)

I talked about the Death of Ankh-Morpork here!

The time we sold our memories to an up and coming circus act is a Kane and Feels fic about, funnily enough, the time they sold their memories to a circus act who might have slightly also been a demon

Technically it's two fics, because I can't decide which plot to commit to

One is about Lucifer Kane, a man who wakes up one morning with a splitting headache and a medically-impossible case of amnesia. What doesn't help is the two people calling themselves Brutus and Jenny, trying to hire him to find their missing friend. This one has a happier ending, its about falling in love with your friends all over again (and also at some point Kane gets his memories refunded)

Two happens after both Kane and Feels lose their memories, and the issue with that is that no matter how good the price was, they can't remember the danger they're in. The hope of this is to be more uneasy - they confront the circus, they undo the sale, get their memories back, but the lingering question is why did they agree in the first place, and what don't they have anymore

In medias res is a uniquely terrible way to wake up, especially if there's little actual res to be in medias of. Feels did not remember coming to work this morning. He didn't remember coming in to work yesterday either, or the day before, or indeed, any action taken by him at any point in the past twenty or thirty-something (or possibly forty-something) years of his life. It would have been a struggle to even remember "work", or "Feels", had not some company policy somewhere mandated the wearing of a little badge reading "Brutus Feels - Gallery Assistant".

[obeyme-kaidii]

Lesson 46 Summary

The adventures continue as MC learns more about Beel.

**SPOILERS BEYOND THIS POINT**

In the morning, everyone meets Little D Number 2 outside, and he agrees to show them the way to the Casino where Mammon is supposed to be. Number 2 teases Beel about how tired he is, suggesting he had “quite a fun night”, which annoys Lucifer.

Once at the Casino, the group immediately runs into Mammon (who is wearing his Arabian outfit). He seems to thoroughly be enjoying himself within the video game and playing his role, and moves to snatch Lucifer. Just like in a video game, a message pops up announcing his entrance, and then Mammon proceeds to cast a spell.

As Lucifer gets taken, MC remembers Beel and uses their powers to cast a spell that strengthens Beel, causing him to shift into his demon form. Beel comments that his body seems to be moving on its own, and soon he’s canceled out Mammon’s spell. A powerful blast of wind then knocks Mammon backwards.

Beel then returns to his regular form, and asks MC if they did that. Solomon explains that yes, that was a result of MC learning to control Beel’s power. But he also explains that MC hasn’t figured out all of Beel’s power, so the test continues.

Lucifer thanks MC for rescuing him, and then turns his sights on Mammon. Mammon starts to panic a little, and begs for mercy.

The group returns to Number 2, and he thanks them for their help getting his money back from the “Greedy Monster”. As a reward, he gives them Beel’s Lord of Flies armor set at a discounted price. After Beel equips the new armor, Number 2 informs them that there’s a rumor “Demon Lord Satan” has attacked a nearby town.

As they journey towards Satan’s rumored location, Lucifer mentions he’s looking forward to returning to his normal size just so he can punish Mammon. Beel comments that Lucifer used to be nicer to Mammon back when they were in the Celestial Realm, but Lucifer insists he doesn’t remember what he’s talking about. Beel doesn’t believe him though, and brings up that Lucifer and Mammon often used to work together to argue with Raphael (who it seems to be being positioned as the Big Bad for this Season, IMO).

Solomon asks if it was Diavolo’s influence that caused Lucifer to become more rigid. He also points out that since they started as angels, becoming demons of such high status had to be hard. (Which is actually pretty interesting because up until now we’ve mostly been operating on the assumption that Diavolo immediately gave them their positions as Avatars after the fall. But it now sounds like they had to earn the right for those titles.) Beel however seems surprised to hear that that might be the case, and Lucifer once again pretends he’s forgotten.

Solomon then hears a noise that everyone first assumes might be Beel’s stomach, but they soon realize it’s a group of ghosts. At which point Solomon recalls overhearing some towns folk talking about these woods, and he just forgot to mention it, which annoys both Beel and Lucifer.

After running from the ghosts, the group takes safety next to a lake that seems to be protected by some sort of guardian spirit. The decision is then made that they should camp there for the night.

Some time later, MC wakes up and finds Beel already awake. MC is given the opportunity to join him and the two talk, careful not to wake Solomon or Lucifer. Beel tells MC he was thinking about what was discussed earlier - and how Lucifer isn’t the only one who is different. He admits that as an angel he didn’t use to constantly eat back then. He says that he doesn’t remember exactly what triggered the change, but one day he just stopped resisting. (which is pretty interesting, if you think about it, and opens up a whole host of theories and possibilities lore wise 🧐)

Beel also mentions that there are some things that are the same, such as the fact his brothers have always been part of his life and will continue to be. ❤️🥺❤️ Beel then admits to MC that he’s worried about fighting Belphie in the game, and doesn’t think that he’ll be able to protect them and Lucifer if that’s the case. MC is given the option of comforting Beel, who admits that he’s pretty lucky, all things considered, to have a “problem” like not knowing who to protect first because he loves so many people.

The following morning, everyone wakes up and prepares to leave. Beel mentions that he’s glad they weren’t attacked while they slept, and Solomon teases him about his late night “activities” which makes poor Beel blush, and annoys Lucifer.

Once the group starts traveling again, Lucifer points out that it’s been over 24hrs now so Solomon should turn him back. But Solomon is quick to point out since they are in a video game, it’s actually only been a couple hours in the real world, so Lucifer has to continue to stay as he is.

Beel then notices a treasure chest in the road and Solomon immediately suggests opening it. Even if MC urges him to be cautious and warns it might be a trap, he still insists that opening it is the best course of action (how is this man not dead yet???). While Solomon, MC, and Lucifer are discussing what to do about the chest, Beel opens it hoping to find food. Instead, there are 3 objects inside - a magical jar that protects the contents, healing herbs, and a pair of cat ears. (lolololol) Beel suggests putting Lucifer in the bottle and Lucifer glares at him. Beel then looks like a kicked puppy. 🥺

The sky suddenly darkens and Satan appears, explaining that opening the chest triggered the battle. Like Mammon, he too is very much enjoying himself and his time in the video game. Beel and Solomon are both quick to recognize that Satan’s appearance isn’t good, because when things like this happen in video games, you’re almost always forced to lose the battle for the sake of story progression.

Lucifer then turns to MC and tells them to use one of the items from the treasure chest. (Using the Cat Ears I think generates the most entertaining response.) Regardless of what option you choose, Lucifer still ends up in the enchanted bottle and Satan captures him, leaving Belphie behind to deal with everyone else. (yes, Belphie just pops up out of nowhere)

Belphie, however, isn’t too thrilled by this whole thing and complains about Satan. When Beel hesitates to fight Belphie, it’s Belphie who encourages him that it’ll be alright. Because 1) it’s a video game and 2) he’s much stronger now and doesn’t need to be protected. Beel has a moment of realization and turns to MC, letting them know he is confident he can protect them now and won’t hold back anymore, choosing instead to trust them completely.

MC then casts a spell to empower Beel, causing him to once again shift into his demon form, and Belphie is quickly defeated. Impressed by MC’s power, Belphie is eager to switch sides and join their party. All he wants is a chance to poke mini Lucifer, to which MC agrees. Beel and Solomon also admit to wanting to poke Lucifer. 😂 Solomon then suggests they spend the night at a nearby inn.

Meanwhile, Mammon and Levi are talking at Demon Lord Satan’s Castle. Levi is saying Mammon is no longer part of the game because he was too easily defeated, which makes Mammon sad. (Because he’s a geek and just wants to be included 🥺)

As the two bicker, Satan arrives with mini Lucifer, still trapped in the bottle. Both are very excited about seeing mini Lucifer, with Levi even calling him cute. Mammon then suggests that now is the perfect time to get revenge for all the evil stuff Lucifer has done to him over the centuries.

Like the time that he tied him up and tickled him until he cried while he hung from the ceiling.

(wait, what? THATS the worst he’s ever done?)

Levi also chimes in with a memory of one time Lucifer was truly horrible to him and refused to sign for a package that was being delivered by Akuzon, instead returning the item for a refund. 😱

(...may I present to you the Demon Lords of Hell...the most powerful beings in all the Devildom…)

Lucifer reminds Levi, Mammon, and Satan that he is going to punish them for whatever they do to him when he’s small, once he returns to his normal size. Satan then moves to take Lucifer out of the bottle, but the spell on the bottle prevents him from doing so. Levi makes an offhand remark about Lucifer essentially being a collectible figure, which gives Satan an idea.

Satan then proceeds to dress Lucifer up in various outfits using his magic (all his outfits from the events), and Mammon and Levi are both surprised that that is his idea of fun. But Levi points out that Satan is clearly enjoying this and it’s actually like his way of bonding with Lucifer (because clearly admitting to his true feelings would be the worst possible thing).

That evening, Beel, Belphie, Solomon, and MC enjoy dinner at the inn before retiring to their rooms. Solomon has managed to book two separate rooms tonight, which Belphie points out he did just so he could share a room with MC all by himself.

Later that night, MC wakes up to find that Solomon is still awake. When MC asks him what’s wrong, he admits that he was watching the twins earlier and was jealous about the deep relationship they had with one another. He laments the fact that even though he’s lived for centuries he doesn’t have someone like that in his life. If MC asks him about it, he admits that he thought he once had such a person but perhaps the feeling wasn’t mutual. 🥺 (my theory is this is the apprentice mentioned in Lesson 45, the one that founded the Sorcerer’s Society)

After thinking for a moment, Solomon then looks at MC and points out that this scene is another common one in RPG games, where important story points are told. He asks MC if they think that’s what’s going to happen tonight, and MC is given the option of kissing him. (which OMG was the sweetest most heartbreaking kiss scene and goddammit I think I’m now a simp for Solomon) Solomon admits that he didn’t think he ever had a chance with MC since the Brothers are always around them. He then asks MC to come a little closer (and presumably kisses them again).

The next day, Solomon is in a very good mood (I guess finally kissing the person you’ve spent over 2 years pining for will do that to a guy). Belphie is quick to realize why Solomon is in such a good mood, and starts to make the same joke that was made before (about having “fun”), but gives up, leaving Beel slightly confused. Solomon then asks Belphie how they are supposed to get to Satan’s castle, and Belphie says that’s easy - he just uses a spell to summon a portal and BAM they are there.

Beel points out if they had just used the portal last night, they wouldn’t have had to stay at the inn. And Belphie explains that yeah that’s true, but then “fun things” wouldn’t have been able to happen. The comment makes Solomon laugh as he agrees that that wouldn’t have been good at all if they had used the portal and avoided the inn. Poor Beel is still confused. (and is it just me or is Belphie acting like Solomon’s wingman…?)

The group then hears raised voices, and finds Satan taunting Lucifer, who is still in the bottle and now dressed in his wolf outfit. Satan gives the bottle containing Lucifer a little shake, making Lucifer feel nauseated.

MC then is given the opportunity to tell Satan to stop, and Lucifer is embarrassed at being seen as he is (and probably relieved too). Satan asks MC if they are sure they’re ready to battle him, since they skipped a lot of the game by using Belphie’s portal, and might not be strong enough to defeat him.

MC is able to talk to Satan, explaining to him that they value his relationship with his own brothers more than the test, and convincing Satan to let Lucifer go. Beel also chimes in, telling Satan that he knows how much he cares for Lucifer, even if he’s afraid to say it. He also turns to Lucifer and tells him that he needs to be more honest with Satan. Satan is a bit embarrassed by everything being said, but Lucifer lets him know that he never said Satan wasn’t his own demon, or that he wasn't great, so he isn’t sure why he seems to think that’s how Lucifer feels. (which is as close to an apology and compliment as we are probably going to get with this emotionally constipated lot)

Satan decides to accept Lucifer’s “olive branch” and returns Lucifer to MC (by tossing him lol). Once Lucifer is again safe, Beel asks if that means they have beat the game, and wonders what the point of it all was. Solomon then reveals himself to be the true Final Boss, and the one behind the entire thing.

Solomon explains that while he is very impressed with MC and how well they did defeating their opponents thus far, that the test was actually about unlocking Beel’s full potential, which they have not yet done. So, he’s going to give his “adorable apprentice” one last chance to prove themselves.

He then summons Asmo, who complains about how bored he’s been waiting for his turn to join everyone in the game. Solomon uses his powers to strengthen Asmo, who then turns to Beel and the battle begins. Asmo uses his “Charm” to paralyze Beel, but when MC calls for him, Beel breaks the charm. MC casts their own spell, empowering Beel, and he attacks Asmo in return. Asmo is absolutely shocked at how powerful Beel is now. Solomon, even though he’s losing, is very impressed by MC and the power they’ve been able to draw out of Beel. He ignores Asmo’s pleas for help, and MC wins the battle.

(NOTE - in the previous Summary, I blamed Simeon for alerting the brothers. Since it’s actually Solomon that planned the whole thing from the beginning, I guess I kinda have to make a note of that to be fair. But like...I still don’t like Simeon anymore soooo...)

Finally back in the real world, Lucifer (now his normal size), MC, and Beel are enjoying a quiet moment on the back patio near the pool. MC shows Lucifer and Beel their star that they earned from the test.

Screams are then heard coming from inside (presumably Levi and Mammon), and Beel asks if anyone hears anything, which Lucifer denies (he totally hears them). As Lucifer continues to relax, enjoying his wonderful evening, a flashback is shown to dinner time -

Mammon is sobbing, when Solomon comments on how wonderful it is that he must be enjoying his cooking so much that it’s moved him to tears. Solomon encourages Levi to have some more, but it seems he’s passed out already, so he offers the extra portion to Satan instead. Asmo complains about why he has to be there, and when Satan realizes that Belphie is missing, Asmo is impressed with him for having managed to escape. Solomon then makes a comment that he thinks Lucifer is a really nice guy because he didn’t punish him like he thought he would, but instead invited him to stay for dinner and let him do the cooking. (which...damn Luci 😂)

Back in the present, Beel and MC take a walk while Lucifer enjoys the distant sounds of his brother's “screams of agony”.

Beel tells MC that he’s glad he had the opportunity to go through that experience and strengthen his bond with MC. He says the star MC earned is proof of how close they are, and then asks MC if they remember when he gave them his own star at the end of Season 2. He promises to treasure the star, and shares a kiss with MC, telling them once again that he loves them.

Beel then mentions that he feels like he’s forgetting about someone, but decides it’s not important. (hint: it’s Diavolo. They’ve forgotten about Diavolo.)

Favorite Scenes -

It’s a trap!

The power of cats

Geeky Mammon

True evil

Lonely Solomon

Solomon kisses

Emotional manipulation

Lucifer’s revenge

Aren’t we forgetting something...?

[joonie-beanie]

Kissing Booth

So, a while ago an anon sent me this ask:

And I honestly thought it was really cute, so I decided to write a lil story out of it. It’s nothing extravagant, but I wrote it anyway!

Words: 2,387

Pairing: Bean x The Demon Brothers

The school festival is meant to be fun. It gives the students a chance to set up booths, and raise money for a good cause--like classroom funds, or charity donations.

Mammon, however, sets a booth up to make money for himself. A kissing booth, to be specific. He assumes that every demon within a two mile radius will be lined up, ready to empty their wallets in order to get a kiss from The Great Mammon, but...that’s not what happens.

No, half way through the festival, less than a dozen people have paid Mammon for a kiss. A few other demons had stopped, asking what the money would be put towards, and when he had answered “my wallet” they’d promptly walked away.

Honestly, what a fool.

Unfortunately, Bean still loves him, despite his idiotic ideas.

Sighing, she places a $5 in front of the demon--catching his attention. He lifts his head from where it’d been buried in his arms--dejected at his lack of customers--and his blue eyes light up when he sees Bean standing there.

When he notes the bill placed on the table, a brilliant smile tugs at his lips. 

“See! I knew ya couldn’t resist kissing The Great Mammon!” 

His comment has Bean rolling her eyes, and she reaches forward to snatch her money back. The movement flusters Mammon, who quickly jumps to his feet. 

“H-Hey, wait!” he slaps his hand down on top of hers, cheeks heating up sheepishly as he looks at her. “C’mon, don’t be like that…”

She smiles a little, breathing a laugh.

“Take your kiss then, before I seriously consider getting a refund.”

“I’m pretty sure you’re the one that’s supposed’ta be kissing me,” he retorts. A pouty look appears on his face, and Bean is tempted to sigh. However, rather than continue to drag this on, she leans in and presses her lips to his. Solid, soft contact.

After a few seconds, she moves to pull back, but Mammon quickly reaches out and grabs her--one hand curling around her waist, while the other finds the back of her head. She makes a quiet sound of surprise as he tugs her into another kiss--and then another, and another after that.

He only stops when someone nearby whistles, making him aware of the intimacy of his current actions.

When he pulls back, Bean’s face has turned a pleasant shade of pink. Satisfaction beats steadily in his chest.

“I’d say that’s another $15 dollars right there. It’s actually probably more like $50, but I’ll give ya a discount since I’m a nice guy like that.”

He grins cheekily, laughing when Bean reaches out and punches him in the arm.

“You can’t extort customers for money by deciding to kiss them more than what they paid for!”

“Fine, fine~,” he relinquishes, grumbling. “I suppose I’ll give ya the extra kisses for free since it’s obvious ya like me.”

“Wow, how kind of you,” she responds, rolling her eyes a little, but she can’t help the smile that tugs at her lips.

“Oh, and speaking of kisses--”

Bean blinks as Mammon grabs her by her shoulders, directing her around the side of the table.

“--I need ya to work the booth for a few minutes for me. I gotta go do somethin’ real quick.”

Without waiting for her answer, Mammon slips out from behind the booth and begins jogging away. Bean blanches.

“Hey! Mammon!”

“I’ll be right back! I doubt anyone’ll be by anyway! It’s been slow as hell tonight!”

And with that, the Avatar of Greed fully turns and hightails it into the distance--disappearing into the festival crown. Bean is left there, shocked at the sudden turn of events.

Sighing, she flops down into his seat and pulls out her DDD. If what Mammon said is true, then she’ll just have to sit here and wait it out by herself until he comes back. However--

“I’d like a kiss please.”

Bean blinks as a demon slips a $5 dollar bill onto the table, grinning down at her. Where the hell had he even come from??? It’d only been a minute since Mammon had abandoned her here!!

“O-Oh, I’m sorry,” she says, pushing the bill back towards him. She forces a smile, drawing on her years of customer service experience to feign politeness. “I’m actually just watching the booth for a friend. It’s not technically open right now.”

“But I’m a paying customer, and I’m giving you my money,” he responds, clearly a little annoyed with her refusal. “So you should give me what I’m paying for.”

“I haven’t taken your money. And we’re not open.”

The demon’s smile drops away--his face scrunching angrily. 

“Now listen here you stupid human--”

“Bean, how wonderful to see you.”

The demon’s words immediately cut off--recognizing the voice of the royal prince. Diavolo smiles down at the two of them, his hand coming to rest on the male’s shoulder, and he gives it a squeeze. The demon winces.

“There’s no issue here, is there?”

“N-No, sir--,” as quickly as he can, the demon twists out of Diavolo’s grasp and hightails it away. Bean sighs, relieved, and The Prince flashes her a knowing look.

“Did Mammon somehow rope you into this?”

“He ran away before I could stop him.”

“Ah,” Diavolo chuckles quietly, his eyes scanning the busy festival grounds. “Would you like me to stay and stand guard until he returns?”

Bean quickly holds up her hands, cheeks heating up. 

“No! There’s no need for that! I’m sure you’re busy.”

Diavolo cocks an eyebrow. “Are you sure? I wouldn’t want you being forced to do anything you’re not comfortable with.”

“I’ll text the guys right now,” she says, holding up her DDD. “I’m sure they’ll help, so please. I don’t want to take up all your time.”

“You’re too considerate of me, really.”

Diavolo’s golden eyes stray to the table, where the lesser demon’s money lays abandoned. He picks it up and hands it to Bean. 

“Consider this a donation to you for your trouble. He is one of my students, after all.”

Bean blinks, cheeks heating up as she takes the money from him. 

“Would you like the kiss instead?” she feels as if her heart might explode while asking him, but somehow she manages to get the words out.

Diavolo’s eyes widened in surprise. “Really?”

“I mean, of course you don’t have to! But....I feel comfortable enough around you, so…”

The demon prince smiles softly at her admission, more than happy to hear that she feels comfortable around him. Enough to offer him a kiss, more so!

“Well, if that’s the case…,” Diavolo leans in, and cocks his head to the side--revealing his cheek. Bean, despite being embarrassed, immediately leans in and presses her lips to his skin.

“A kiss for My Lord,” she says as she sits back, hoping to ease the flurry of emotions now swirling around in her chest. Diavolo laughs heartily.

“Thank you. Now hurry and text Lucifer and the others. And, of course, call me if you need me!”

With that, he strides away from the table, sending her one last smile. Bean smiles back, hoping the blush on her face isn’t as obvious as she thinks it is, and immediately grabs her DDD.

Bean: SOS

Bean: Mammon abandoned me at his kissing booth

Bean: Please help

The message doesn’t take long to be seen by the brothers, and yet, by the time the first of the brothers manage to locate her, she’s already trying to fend off 3 more students--all vying for a kiss from one of the two human exchange students. 

Apparently, humans are a hotter commodity to demons that the Avatar of Greed himself. 

“Please, leave,” Satan speaks, a dangerous smile on his face as he steps up behind the crowd of demons. They look ready to pick a fight until they realize who’s talking. Then, they tuck their tails between their legs and scurry off.

Bean sighs. “Thank god.”

“I’m sure we’d all be more than happy to kill Mammon for you, if you want,” Satan says, crossing his arms. 

Bean actually seems to contemplate the idea, which makes him laugh.

“Mmm, what kind of trash leaves someone else to man their booth,” Levi adds in, stepping up next to Satan. His eyes are focused on the DDD in his hand. “Besides, Mammon might think he’s the main love interest of a high school RP game, but he’s not. Kissing booths never actually work.”

Bean giggles at his words, posing a hand on her hip as she fondly regards them.

“Would you like a kiss for your help?” she asks after a moment, grinning at their reactions. Satan looks shocked more than anything, while Levi looks about ready to combust.

“No?”

Satan huffs.

“I mean, of course I won’t turn it down.”

Smiling, Bean happily leans over the table and meets him halfway--the two sharing a soft kiss. Once having expressed her gratitude to Satan, her attention shifts to Levi.

“Yes? No? Maybe so?”

“I...I guess o-one kiss would be okay,” he mumbles, the tips of his ears turning bright read as Bean gently cups his face and guides him into a kiss. However, just as she’s pulling back--

“Ooh! Me too!”

Before Bean can react, Asmo is running up and grabbing her by her cheeks. He kisses her sweetly, a tiny groan of satisfaction muffled in his chest as their lips meet.

“You know, you didn’t actually save her from anything,” Satan quips, eying him. Stepping back, Asmo pouts at his brother, leaving a red-faced Bean to try and get a hold of herself.

She’s not used to kissing different brothers directly after one another like this. And being in a public space doesn’t help her embarrassment.

“So? Does that mean I don’t deserve a kiss?”

“Guys, c’mon,” Bean tries to say, not wanting them to argue. They’ve already attracted quite a few stares. After all, it’s not everyday you see a bunch of demons all walking up and casually kissing the same woman, and a human at that.

Then again, she is standing behind a kissing booth…

“Hmm? Is Bean giving out free kisses?” Belphie’s voice enters the fray, he and his twin brother joining the others on the opposite side of the table. “If so, then I want one.”

“I mean, I wasn’t planning on giving out kisses, but--”

Before she can even finish, Beel has leaned forward--stealing her lips with a simple exclamation of, “I want one too.” 

And the instance he pulls back, Belphie is grabbing her--guiding her into another soft kiss.

“Sharing is caring.”

Bean can feel his grin when their lips connect, and she debates hitting him. Lucky for him, she doesn’t. Right now, she’s too busy dealing with the mini meltdown happening in her brain.

So many kisses.

“Oi!”

At that moment, Mammon appears around the corner--his eyes narrowed on Belphie as he pulls back from his kiss with Bean.

“If you guys are gonna stand around my booth kissin’ Bean, then ya better fork out some money! How many times did ya kiss her? Ya owe me for those kisses!”

The five brothers surrounding Bean fix him with unimpressed stares. Belphie is the first to speak.

“You really think we’re going to pay you money after you abandoned her to work your booth?”

“She was getting hounded by a bunch of random demons when we got here,” Satan pipes in, crossing his arms. Mammon opens his mouth to argue--wanting to get the money he feels that he’s rightfully owed--but at that moment a shiver rolls up his spine.

Freezing where he’s stood, he slowly turns around--visibly gulping as Lucifer finally appears, standing right behind him.

“Mammon,” the eldest brother starts, smiling dangerously. “You do realize that it’s against school policy to use booths at the school fair for personal profit, yes?”

“I...I--”

“Therefore, you will be donating any profit you’ve made to the school. Not only that, but you’re going to pay June back for her trouble.”

His crimson eyes shift to the blushing girl, gaze softening when he sees her.

“June, what do you think is appropriate punishment?”

She takes a moment to think it over.

“Mammon gets no kisses for a week.”

The Avatar of Greed looks SHOCKED.

“WHAT?? But that’s not fair!”

“Just be grateful she’s not making you pay her money, idiot,” Levi responds, sounding less than concerned with Mammon’s current predicament.

“Now,” Lucifer says. “Dismantle this booth, and give me all of your earnings. I will hand them over to Diavolo.”

“Dammit…,” Mammon groans, sulking towards the booth. Bean is nice enough to pat his hair as he steps up beside her, but she’s smart enough to not give into the puppy eyes he turns her way.

In the end, he did abandon her and leave her to fend for herself.

“Bean, c’mon!” Asmo grins, skipping away, and tugging Satan along with him. “Let’s go play more games!” 

“Mmm, Bean, let’s get some more food too,” Beel pipes up, following after his brothers.

Nodding, Bean slips past Mammon and moves to join them. However, before she can get too far, Lucifer’s gloved fingers find their way between hers.

“Wait for me a moment,” he says quietly, giving her hand a squeeze. The two hang back just long enough for Lucifer to collect the money Mammon has earned. Then, Lucifer is leading Bean after his brothers, their fingers comfortably locked together.

Silence stretches between them for a moment.

“I’ll take my kiss later.”

“Oh?” Bean raises an amused eyebrow at him, making him roll his eyes.

“Is the Avatar of Pride jealous over a few kisses?”

“It simply doesn’t feel right that I’m the only one being left out,” he responds, making her grin.

“If that’s so, then I’m okay giving you one now. I can suck it up and handle a few more seconds of PDA.”

“No, I’d prefer mine later,” he gives her hand another squeeze, his eyes glinting. “The kisses I intend to take from you wouldn’t be appropriate to show in a setting like this.”

Bean turns red at his words.

“Oh.”

Lucifer chuckles.

“Oh, indeed” 

[zmediaoutlet]

I'd love to hear some of your thoughts about Nightmare Logic being a bad episode!

I'm trying to get better about answering asks/comments (ignore the terrifying creaking noises of my various overstuffed inboxes), so let me copy-paste some of my thoughts from that weekend on the pablum-shading-to-infuriating episode that is Nightmare Logic.

***

zmediaoutlet — 11/12/2018 Sam is not an idiot, and that sort of brings me to the whole problem with the episode for me: everything it's predicated on is either wrong or dumb. [7:43 AM] We don't care about Maggie at all, so balancing the whole thing on their worry for her is wildly thin; nu!Bobby holds about as much interest for me as wallpaper paste; the Mary/Bobby relationship is meh. I don't care about MotW 80% of the time, so spending so much time on the hunt itself doesn't work for me, especially when it's incoherent and also not remotely dangerous. [7:45 AM] So you've decided to do a new kind of djinn hunt, fine. Why is Mr Elaborate Nightmare Builder sending cartoonish versions of his first victim after strangers? Wasn't this advertised as a "woooorst niiiightmaaare" hunt? Okay, Maggie got something generic, fine, that fits her perfectly; why did Dean get the exact same thing? Why did Sam? Why did Daughter get a cartoon vampire, while Bobby got like a 10 point hit-you-over-the-head blunt nightmare scenario so we could learn backstory? And Mary got nothing at all, because I guess she was just there to provide support for her man? [7:47 AM] I'm not going to say the whole thing was horrible end to end--I did like the little convo between Mary and Sam in the woods because the awkwardness of it did feel naturalistic; I liked the mystery of whatever Dean's nightmares are 'hurting' (?) the djinn [tho see prev. paragraph again; how the hell did it get so detailed with Bobby with presumably minimal physical contact--ugh, whatever]. The writing was just so flawed in so many different ways, and in ways that would have been easy to fix had the writer bothered to put more than the bare minimum of thought into it. Like a lot of shitty fics, that way--"I had a neat idea! I'll just surge ahead on that one idea without bothering to support it at all." (The idea clearly being backstory for Bobby, and slopping on 37 more pointless minutes to fill time.)* [7:47 AM] I tried to see if I could get a refund on Amazon, but unfortunately no. [7:48 AM] Also, the one decent Sam-and-Dean scene was a rehash of old shit. Just to add insult to injury. [7:51 AM] but, per my "try not to dwell" philosophy, at least it is a good example of what not to do, as a writer. ...

*(I guess to be fair, point A is Bobby's backstory, but point B is 'somehow we're supposed to believe Sam is struggling with the leadership role, again'. Please stop going back to that well. It was dry when they tried to bring it up in s12, it's even drier now. Sam is good at this. They don't need to keep selling us on it.) If the goal with the episode was: a) they want us to learn Bobby's kinda boring backstory, b) see the Super Hunter Squad struggling with inexperience, and c) prove somehow that Sam wants to find Michael... even though this had nothing to do with Michael... ???... -- it was accomplished, in a way. in the same way that throwing a bucket of paint at a house is technically considered 'painting it' I don't think I'm gonna get turned around on this one, I'm still pissed that I paid money for it. It was bad in a different way to some of the other bad episodes, though, which is interesting to think about. Some of them are bad on execution--the Michael/Lucifer marionette parade comes to mind--whereas this one was bad from premise. Like LOTUS.

So, in rereading all that... yep, I still hate it, lol. It has some moments of brief competence -- a few scenes and moments that work -- but it's a great example of the things I hated most about the Dabb era, especially s14, to wit:

1) Sam and Dean should actually matter in an episode and arc and you're completely failing to make this show which is about them about them

2) where tf are the emotional consequences of anything, why did Michael not matter at all, jesus christ

3) please stop trying to convince me after the past 12ish years that Sam is stupid and incompetent.

and, for good measure, 4) who gives a fuck about beret Bobby???

[nerevarswritingstuff]

Alla Prima Pt. 1 - Lucifer/Reader

If you like my work, consider buying me a coffee! 

You’d be lying if you said you weren’t honored to be gifted with the opportunity to paint a mural for the King of Hell himself. You were honored, beyond words in fact. You never expected him nor his family to have noticed you or your paintings. You knew there were plenty more out there that far surpassed your skills, but hey the pay is… well, “nice” would be understating it too much.

The pay was great. It’d let you buy a new studio, new supplies, new everything. You were allowed to stay within the mansion (which was also another understatement, this place was huge) in one of the guest wings, and given all the privacy and time required to finish. It was practically a dream come true, considering how previous clients would give you unrealistic deadlines for big pieces.

However, there was one problem. You wished it was just not having the right amount of paint for it or not enough time, but no. It was the worst possible scenario any painter or artist could ever have happen to them.

Lucifer gave you fuck all to go off of for what he wanted.

In your less than five minute conversation of him greeting you in the antechamber, all he said that he wanted was a mural of an apple tree in the ballroom. Then he had his servants show you where you were to paint it and where your guest room would be.

The vagueness of what he wanted for this commission made you want to break your brushes over your knee and give him a piece of your mind. “An apple tree mural” could be so many things! Did he want a landscape? In a specific style? Is it just one tree or an orchard? Is it in Hell or the living world? Night? Day? The list is endless. There was so little to go off of you had no idea where to fucking start.

Sure, you like a bit of artistic freedom, but not this much freedom. What if your client hated it and demanded a refund? Too many variables can lead to complications and you hate complications. Of course, you’ve always handled these types of clients easily enough, as some of their blood makes a wonderful mixture for paints.

But you couldn’t exactly deal with Lucifer the same way if he hated your painting. If anything he might just kill you. He could probably just kill you with his thumb. He most likely did do just that to some poor idiot once before. All you could do was bite your tongue and deal with it.

Oh, and that ballroom he wanted you to paint in? Huge. The wall itself was about sixty feet wide and thirty feet up before reaching the ceiling. This was probably the biggest ballroom he had, which only adds more sourness to your mood. The only extra thing Lucifer said he wanted was for the mural to be on the wall opposite of the entrance so guests would see it the minute they’d walk in.

You feel like you could choke someone right now. You’d love to choke Lucifer for being so unhelpful with what he wanted. Why are the demons who ask you to paint something big always so vague? But you knew better than to backsass Lucifer of all people. Again, he could most likely sneeze and you’d become nothing more than a smear on the wall.

You just had to think on the more positive side. You weren’t given a time limit and most importantly you’d have all the privacy needed. You hated people watching you paint. You hated people interrupting you while you paint. People who do usually get a paintbrush jammed into their eye. You’re glad you kept your composure when Lucifer told you you’d have any and all privacy needed for this painting, because you know otherwise you would’ve screamed with joy and relief.

So now here you were, everything set up for you to get ready for painting, sitting back in a chair, staring at this huge ass wall and rapidly tapping your pencil against your sketchbook.

You’ve tried several various sketches, exploring what you could do for a possible mural, only to growl in frustration and try again. And again. And a-fucking-gain. The cycle went for several hours. The entire time no one bothered you. No servants knocked on the door, no other guests or even the royal family. You kind of wish someone did interrupt you so you had someone to take your frustrations out on, but no one came.

Dropping your sketchbook and rubbing at your face, you lean back and groan. Unbeknownst to you, while you sat there, seething, thinking, staring at the wall and wondering just what the fuck you should paint, the door to the ballroom opened. The heels clicking behind you did make you whirl around, lips pulled back into a snarl.

“I thought it was made clear I wasn’t to be—” You choke on your own words, your threat dying in your throat as you stare at your client.

He wasn’t even looking at you, instead glancing down at the floor where you dropped your sketchbook, then looking up at the wall. Then his eyes dart to you, a single, dark brow raised. His lips curled up into a mischievous smile, asking, “Wasn’t to be what, hmm?” He twirls his cane in one hand, the other neatly folded behind his back. When you don’t say anything, he taps the end of his cane under your chin to close your mouth. “I’m waiting.”

You hesitantly say, “Disturbed…” It definitely didn’t sound as threatening as you wanted it to be.

Either way, Lucifer seemed to have found it absolutely hilarious, as he throws his head back and laughs. “Oh, my darling little fool!” He pats you on the head with the end of his cane. “You really think I’d leave you alone for the whole, oh—” he idly waves his free hand as he speaks, still tapping his fucking cane against your head “—however long it’s going to take you to finish this mural? Little Cripps, I know better than to allow a stranger to be all alone and unsupervised in this manor.” Another twirl of his cane and he’s walking past you, looking at the array of paints you’ve organized, then at the blank wall.

“I came here to see how things were going with the mural, but seeing as you haven’t even started…” He turns to you, raising a brow once more. 

You rubbed your head, watching him all the while and frowning. You wanted to tell him that it wasn’t your fault you had so little to go off of and didn’t know where to start. He should’ve specified exactly what he wanted. But instead you say through gritted teeth, “With big murals, I don’t immediately start painting. I plan them out. Today I’ll most likely be thinking and planning.”

It honestly might take you more than a day, considering how unhelpful Lucifer was wording his request.

Lucifer hums, strolling back over to you to pick up your sketchbook and starts flipping through it. You sputter, “Hey!” Before you could even think, you swiped it out of his hand, baring your teeth. “Don’t fucking touch my sketchbook!” You tuck it under your arm and jab a finger in his direction. “If you want to see the concepts I have, you fucking ask first. Do not touch my shit.”

Anger subsiding and realizing what you did and who you said all of that towards, you quickly back off, mind going a mile a minute as to how you can apologize. But before you could even spout out some pathetic apology, Lucifer started chuckling. “You really are as quick-tempered as I’ve heard.” He starts circling around you now, looking you up and down.

In your short time talking to him, he barely spared a glance at you, but now?

Now he was taking in every last detail, interest shining in his eyes—

Hold on a second.

“What?” You watch him circle around you, turning with him. “What are you on about?”

Lucifer stops right in front of you, smacking you on the head with his cane again. Something you were getting really tired of. “You don’t think I don’t know about some of my more interesting darling subjects? I’ve heard plenty about you, Little Cripps.” He takes a step back, taking his hat off briefly to brush of nonexistent dust. “Your paintings, your techniques, and of course, your temper. The latter I found the most amusing.”

You frown. King of Hell or no, you don’t really appreciate being fucked with like this. “You hired me just because I was amusing?”

“Oh, darling of course not!” Lucifer waves his hand. “I hired you because I’ve seen your pieces and found them quite extravagant. I don’t allow just any demon into my home to paint a mural, after all.” His eyes shined with impish glee. “Your amusing temper and attitude was just a bonus.”

You blink once. Twice. Thrice. Slowly it all starts to come to you. Why he was so vague, so unhelpful, and being such a dick right now. “Are you telling me… you gave me practically nothing to work off of and are acting this way… to get a reaction out of me?”

“Yes.” You weren’t expecting such a blunt reply from him, but you really should’ve. “I wanted to see for myself. You have a surprising amount of control, however.”

You clap your hands together, close your eyes and take a deep breath. “Your Majesty… were you anyone else… I would’ve stabbed you in the eyes by this point with my paint brushes…”

“It’s never too late to try,” Lucifer jeers.

“While most sinners have a final deathwish, I don’t.” You pinch the bridge of your nose and groan. “So are you actually going to be helpful and tell me what the fuck you want me to paint?”

“Little Cripps…” He goes to tap you on the head with his cane again but you grab it.

You lock eyes with him. “I will break this over my knee.”

His smile only grows. “You’ll only end up breaking your knee. But as I was saying…” He effortlessly pulls his cane free and twirls it, constantly almost hitting you in the face. “I did tell you what I wanted.”

You have to take another deep breath, constantly reminding yourself that even if Lucifer is amused by your outbursts, you’re positive he too has a limit to how much back talking he’s willing to take. “Your Majesty… ‘an apple tree mural’ is the vaguest request I’ve ever had in my long long years of being a painter. I need more to go off of.”

Lucifer hums, tossing his cane into the air and catching it in his other hand. “No.” Then he starts walking towards the door, the heels of his boots clicking on the door, not even turning to watch your mouth drop. “You’re a talented little thing. You’ll figure it out! I do hope you start painting soon. Enjoy the artistic freedom I’m granting you, as I don’t do this often!”

“You realize there’s such a thing as too much artistic freedom?” You retort just as he’s halfway out the door.

He tilts his head, thoughtful, humming. “True. But that makes it all the more fun and interesting, doesn’t it?” He smiles at you again, his entire face radiating with a quiet challenge. “I look forward to seeing your progress tomorrow, Little Cripps.”

And the door clicked shut.

[another-om-mc]

The Beach Episode

we get there and it stinks of magic, we both look at each other n confusion and outrage, as a couple of beach kids. (Shan and Ami are both from beach towns, be it very different ones. they are fully offended)

Lucifer: what’s wrong    Shan: where’s the dead seaweed smell??? The salt?? The beach fleas???  Asmo, behind us: the WHAT Ami: The fucking crabs?! The sea spray???? THE HOT ASS SHARP SAND?!

both of us: THIS ISNT A BEACH ITS A LIE     Lucifer,, getting a headache: yes it’s not. It’s magic   Shan: I want a refund     Lucifer: you?? Didn’t pay to be here???

Beel: I think you made them cry? (Shan is sad crying, Ami is mad its fake and crying about it)

and it’s super funny cuz Lucifer did all this work to get everyone vacation and we’re just being brats. its also the first time Lucifer sees Ami actually sad and theres like half an ounce of feeling about it. but only that little.

Lucifer: you can’t even tell this is a fake beach    Shan: I have four years and a piece of paper that say I fucking do

We get over it, do the episode but at the end demand to take the boys to a real beach

Alternately - Everyone: okay time to go swi- Shan: *already running full speed into the water*  Ami: adamantly not going near it because fear of sea monsters

Satan: *opens his mouth*    Shan: I know more than you

Shan goes and gets Ami buckets of water for her sandcastle and mammon yanks it out of her hand so he can do it instead

Ami but quietly: let him do the thing and hug me while he does it. win win

Mammon complains about that too, he is informed he can only do one at a time. hes still upset he cant do both.

Shan: *hugs you whine he does stuff for you* Mammon: hey! Stop touching her! I’m the only one that gets to hug her! Shan: okay so I’ll get the things for Ami.  Mammon: no! I’ll-    Shan: you only get to do one

Shan and Mammon get in an argument about who gets to do what and Ami goes up to Beel like 'im scared of the water but i need some, can u help me?' hes got like 4 buckets. Theyre sad but Beel and Ami have made a magnificent sandcastle.

Ami has, at some point, while hiding behind Beel, squirt sunblock on Lucifer's pants. like a 12 year old boy.

We get the boys to a real beach and  they’re all like ‘this is exactly like Diavolo’s magic beach’ and then Shan slaps them with seaweed. Ami already has a dead fish in hand and ready to chuck it at the next idiot to say theyre the same.

Shan and Ami go crabbing and they come back with one or two and r very excited and then beel eats them. Shan has a sad.

Shan: :( they were my friends. I was going to introduce them to Levi

depending on where the beach actually is, Ami has caught a catfish Satan: But you didn't have a pole? how? Me: its a catfish, cityboy. u stick ur hand n a hole and when something bites u pull it out and avoid the barbs

Shan finds all the invasive species of crabs and let beel eat those guys

Satan: I read in a book Shan: I ReAd In A bOoK - *grabs more crabs with my bare ass hands*

ppl would stare at us and hit on all the boys tho. too many pretty boys in one place for that to not happen

Ami has a slingshot shoddily made of drift wood and a hair band, and a jellyfish in it. She starts beaming girl’s in the face who get too close to Mammon or Beel. Shan is cheering her on (So is Blphie but not for the same reason)

some pretty bitch gets it n the face "Get wrekt"

Satan is also enjoying the violence 

Shan gets buried in the sand: I am the sand guardian, guardian of the sand! Posideon quivers before me!!!!  Lucifer: Luke doesn’t even quiver before you

Me, having climbed a tallish rock: WITNESS ME! Plicks Lucifer in the head with another jellyfish  Lucifer: WE ARE GOING HOME

Lucifer has several more grey hairs going home than he did arriving

Shan has sunburn from head to toe; in immense pain. Ami only ever gets sunburn on her shoulders (hence the freckling there) and her nose/cheeks.  Ami starts peeling and flicks the dead skin at Asmo as torture. Shan hates it.

We both pretend Shan is dying from the sunburn to fuck with the boys, as Amk has slapped the shit out of her back, but with a handful of AngelAloe stolen from the botany class (she plucked a piece and regrew it in her room) and the boys just see Ami holding ooze on Shan’s back who is trying to not scream and they play it up.

“Shes dying! The sunburn is making her leak out all her internal goo! Guys she’s gunna leak to death!“ Theyre in a panic. Shan starts playing along cus its funny, but then it turns out that mammon and beel both grab her, no aloe, and shes yelling all over again. Ami is laughing too hard to tell them that theyre actually hurting her now tho.

Lucifer doesn’t bother punishing any one because everyones already punished themselves in this scenario, but human anatomy books start popping up around the house

[singingwordwright]

What do you think about the lucifer news from netflix? They saved it just to end the series. And the number of the episodes of the 4th and 5th season (10) doesn't even equal a full season, so it's like they got just one more full season. It's really weird, and doesn't seem profitable from an economical point of view(?) After their actions in the last year (not just about sh) I lost all the faith I had on netflix.

I’ve been offline most of the day, so this is the first I’m hearing about this. They’re ending the show after season 5? Am I understanding this correctly?

Honestly, given that Deadline article about how shows longer than 3 seasons aren’t usually profitable for Netflix unless they’re produced in-house, I think we need to be grateful that Netflix at least did a 5th season for Lucifer, especially given where s4 ended. I was concerned that wouldn’t happen, and I suspect the only reason it would is because it will take that much to recoup their investment in acquiring the rights, and because of that brutal cliffhanger. Beyond that, they just won’t make money off it unless it’s a mega-hit, and as much as many people love it, I don’t think it falls into that category. Of course, without their internal numbers, we have no way of knowing.

10 episodes per season is pretty typical for Netflix. Usually their shows are 10-13 episodes per season. ODaaT was 12 eps per, I think. Sense8 was...10? 12? 13 Reasons Why was 13, but mostly I think that was just because of the “13 tapes″ device of the first season.

I think the problem with the way SVODs and streaming services are run is, it’s all a numbers game on their end, while it’s an issue of emotional investment on ours. They pay out for these series up front in speculation that enough people will become emotionally involved to make them profitable but bringing in new subscribers/viewers, while preventing losses by attrition from old subscribers/viewers. When the numbers don’t add up on their end to equal profit, they cancel, but on our end, we’re not seeing the numbers, we’re just seeing something we’re emotionally involved with being taken away from us. There must be a better way to do it.

It seems like maybe if people paid per show, kinda like buying it on ITunes or Amazon or YouTube? I mean, for Veronica Mars, the studio said “yes, we’ll make a movie if you can crowd-fund this amount.” People ponied up, they made the movie. Done and done. There was no speculation of what would be a success or what wouldn’t involved.

Maybe we need a service that works like that, to crowd-fund the shows we enjoy. Like, say, you pay a small fee for an annual subscription to a service. That keeps the service able to pay upfront to add new content, say, a pilot episode or a small first season. Then you say “if you want more of this show, pledge $10” or you purchase each season for $2 per episode or $20 per season or whatever. If enough people pledge or purchase the show, it gets another season. If not, the pledge gets refunded or you authorize it to fund another show. Maybe it takes two years for the show to turn enough of a profit for it to get green-lit for another season, in which case, maybe it only gets a new season every two years. They don’t have to make the decision to cancel or renew based on speculation derived from one night or one week or one month of viewer figures.

idk. I’m talking out my ass. the situation is fucking broken and I don’t know how to fix it. It sucks, though. I’m so very sorry for the Lucifans, but I’m glad you at least got one more season to get Lucifer out of Hell.

[not-a-space-alien]

Into the Unknown, Part 14:  No Refunds or Exchanges

Prologue | Dramatis Personae | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13

Series masterpost

On AO3

Well, it’s all well and good to be hopeful.  Hope is the first step to solving your problems.  But unfortunately, the second step is usually some variation of actually doing something to solve your problem, avenues for which Crowley had precisely zero available.  

Crowley spent a good amount of time slithering forward in search of a way out of the Pit.  Then he had a good session of sniffing about and investigating, then a spate of time spent roving and wandering.

He had heat pits as a snake, of course, but they weren’t helpful.  The entire place was hot, glowing in his UV vision like a blazing supernova.  He had to turn it off after a while to avoid the sensory overload.

His tongue flicking out and tasting the air provided an overwhelming array of scents, all jumbled up on one another, an unread story with a thousand layers on top of one another like a hellish lasagna.  He occasionally caught scent of someone nearby, sensing a shift in the air, the vibration of footsteps against his scaly belly, snaking towards it in a predatory way, but unable to reach anyone before they ran off. He called out for them to wait, always, but they never did.  They moved at the edges of his periphery like the ghosts of timid rodents.

Crowley coiled up, considering changing back into his human form.  The forked tongue was useful for now, and there was something comforting about being in his original shape.

The soft tmp tmp tmp of footsteps sounded in the pitch-black.

“Hello?” said Crowley, periscoping up.  “Don’t run away!  Please!”

There was suddenly a bright light, the light of the innermost layer of Hell.  Crowley would have slammed his eyes shut had he had eyelids.

He felt a hand on him, clamping on his neck, and dragging him out.

The light of Hell’s throne room felt like the piercing brightness of Heaven after the darkness of the Pit; it took several moments for Crowley’s vision to adjust so he could see:

Satan was holding him, his coils looped around the length of her arm and squeezing as a panicked reflex.  Behind her was the archdemon Vycra; her face bore a gnarly set of fresh talon marks, and she looked chastised and cowed.

Crowley stood statue-still like a panicked deer as Satan lifted him up to meet his eyes.  “What’s so special about you?” she demanded.

He flicked his tongue out.

“You must know something,” said Satan.  “Some information they need.  Or some ability you’ve kept hidden from me.  Whatever it is, they can’t want you for anything good.”

Crowley’s muscular coils slid along her arm, pulsing with enough force to crush lesser beings to death.  He let out a hiss like a tea kettle.

“Maybe if you tell me, things will go a lot easier for you.”

“What are you talking about?” Crowley croaked.

“Someone wants you very, very badly,” she said.  “And I can’t imagine why.  But I intend to find out.”

********************************************

The group dawdled and bickered about what their next step should be while they waited to be contacted again by Hell.  Which finally happened about an hour later, a message to tell them to meet Satan in the same spot as before, at sunrise the next morning.

The delay was unnerving.  Their precious time in this universe before having to return was burning up.  Three days and two nights it had been, and at sunup when Satan wanted to meet they would begin eating into their third day. They were due back at 7PM, which meant that, if anything in this trade-off went wrong, they would only have about 12 hours to scrape up some alternate plan.

They sent down to Hell a very polite request to meet earlier, which was summarily and unambiguously rejected.

So they flocked together in the eaves of the church like bats huddled up, trying to get some anxious rest while they prepared themselves.

Uriel kept the Book of Life cradled in her wings.  Aziraphale caught her in the middle of the night reading it; it was open to Lucifer’s page, and she caressed it gently, as though comforting a lost loved one.

The morning of the third and final day in this universe came soon enough.

They had decided Aziraphale should appear again, but the previous encounter with Vycra made them hesitant to risk Aziraphale’s physical safety in the same way, so at least one of the higher-ranking members of the group would go with him.

If they all stood there waiting for Satan to show up, they figured Satan would probably suspect (rightly) that it was a trap, get suspicious, and call it off.  Seeing Uriel and Victoria would be a tip off that something very strange was happening and would probably shift the focus of the meeting towards the fact that their un-fallen doppelgangers somehow existed, and who knew how they would react to that?

Again, they were caught up in the unpredictability….They would have been able to have some kind of idea what to expect in their home universe, but this Satan was new, a different animal entirely.  And they had to figure out how to outsmart her, to double-cross and walk away with both Crowley and the Book of Life, unless they wanted to let this universe burn down behind them when they left.

But how to finagle it so they had the upper hand?  What if Satan brought four archdemons with her and matched their firepower?  What if this meeting turned into a battle?  What if she concocted up a way to thwart their attempts to keep both Crowley and the Book of Life, or worse, keep them both herself?  What if she got wind it was a trap and slaughtered Crowley before they could get him?

That led Aziraphale to visions of his beloved being slain as a consequence of their attempts to play dirty, and it sent spikes of anxiety through him. He was tempted to actually give over the Book of Life and let this universe fall to ruin as long as it meant he would get Crowley back safely.

But the others wouldn’t let him, because they at least had some sense of propriety remaining, and he was shocked to discover that was probably the only thing holding him back from such a selfish action.

They eventually decided it had to be Maltha to stand by Aziraphale and assure his safety.  It couldn’t be Victoria or Uriel, and Mykas would probably be troublesome as well. They decided the best course of action would be to mask Maltha’s aura with the angel dust spell.  This would obscure her identity and make it difficult to tell if she was an angel or a demon.  This would likely be better than being up-front about a demon and an angel working together, because that kind of thing was still scandalous and unheard of in this place, and the revelation would, again, draw an unpredictable response from Satan.

All they had to do was get Crowley close enough that they could grab him. Aziraphale would have the Book of Life, and Maltha would be next to him.  They would say whatever outlandish thing they had to in order to get Crowley within snatching distance.  Aziraphale would drop the Book, grab Crowley, and Maltha would fend off any resistance until Mykas, Victoria, Uriel, and Ramial arrived for backup.

They would, they assumed, be able to overpower Satan and whoever she brought as backup.  That was a big assumption.  And they only had to grab Crowley and the Book and then run away; they didn’t have to win the battle, just hold their own. It might, just might work.

Creating the angel dust for Maltha unfortunately required quite a good deal of feathers, which were taken from Aziraphale, Ramial, Victoria, and Uriel. Maltha healed the poor plucked sods because they had taken so many feathers it was doubtful they would be able to fly, but it was still a quite unpleasant experience.

They didn’t have all the ingredients they would need to make the drinkable version of the spell, so they hastily put together the dust version and sprinkled it on her.  They ended up needing to go back and make more, and even then it just barely covered her entirely.  The sun was rising by the time they finished and got into position.

The dead grass crunched under their feet as they took up position, the exact same place Aziraphale had stood last time.  The others were far enough away to not be felt, to preserve the element of surprise, and it unnerved Aziraphale that their backup was so far away.

But he had seen how fast Mykas was capable of moving.  And he had Maltha by his side now, and frankly, Aziraphale had been pretty thoroughly convinced by now of Maltha’s ability to get away with pretty much whatever she wanted, even moreso than him.  Aziraphale and Maltha both had flare guns, which they would set off to let the others know to rush over.

So there Aziraphale stood, the hefty Book of Life in his arms, with Maltha and her masked aura hovering behind his shoulder.  He didn’t dare pray; he didn’t know what might happen.

A towering inferno of flames and billowing white smoke erupted in the distance, and winged figures could be seen in the flames.

“Here we go,” said Maltha.

Leading the way was Vycra, bearing fresh wounds on her face, likely the result of talking back earlier.  Behind her, snuffling across the dry bracken was this universe’s version of the archdemon Mykas, a bearish figure crisscrossed with scars and looking incapable of more than the most bestial instincts.  A chain around his neck led to the hand of—

Satan.  She had a skeletal frame and awful, terrible wings full of eyes.  And in the other hand she held a sack, which writhed faintly.

Aziraphale eyed the sack hungrily, desperate.  He knew what was in it.  Despite the circumstances, he managed a small laugh.  “They just brought him in a pillow case.”

Satan stopped within shouting distance, Mykas on her right, Vycra to her left.  Satan, and two archdemons.  They might be able to win, if the others could get here quickly enough.  A sneer crossed Satan’s face.  “And who exactly might this be, principality?”

“An escort to ensure you play fair,” said Aziraphale darkly.  “Considering what you tried to pull last time.”

Satan’s faced crunched into hatred.  “What kind of angel is this?  What’s wrong with her aura?”

“Don’t worry about her,” said Aziraphale.  “Do you have him?”

Satan reached into the bag and pulled out a black and red snake, hand firmly behind his jaw and out of biting distance.  She dropped the sack and held him up, his thick body coiling around her arm.

The panic in his eyes and frantic movements of his serpentine body broke Aziraphale’s heart.  Crowley writhed and made eye contact with Aziraphale.  Still, he trembled.

Aziraphale thought that he needed a way to signal to Crowley that this was his Aziraphale, not the other one who had tried to kill him.  So he very subtly spread his fingers, lifting his ring-finger up slightly to draw Crowley’s attention to the golden band there.

Crowley’s eyes wheeled about in his head, and he snapped at Satan, trying to bite her hand.  It was unfortunately a futile gesture, but the renewed attempts at escape made Aziraphale think Crowley had gotten the message.

“This creature is what you want, isn’t it?” said Satan.

“Yes,” said Aziraphale.  “Let him go.”

“Not yet,” said Satan.  Crowley’s sides heaved, expelling a fearsome hiss.  “First, I demand an explanation.  Something very strange is going on.  Who is this ‘archangel’ next to you, and for what purpose do you demand this demon, that you would trade Heaven’s most holy artifact for him?”

Maltha’s hand grabbed the collar of Aziraphale’s shirt, and it was only then that he realised he had started forward to pummel Satan’s face in.  “Patience,” Maltha hissed.

“That is none of your concern,” Aziraphale yelled.  “You agreed to the trade, now let’s trade.”

All she had to do was put Crowley down, Aziraphale thought.  Just put him down, and he could slither far enough away for them to reach him before Satan could retrieve him.  As it was, she had a death grip on him, and there was no way to snatch him without risking retaliation.

Just put him down.

“Put him down,” Aziraphale said.  “And we’ll get on with it.”

Satan narrowed her eyes at him.

Vycra drew her sword, laying it across Crowley’s neck.  “Let me rephrase this,” said Satan.  “This demon must be of some considerable value to you, and I stand to lose nothing.  So if you wish to re—”

She was interrupted by an ear-splitting blast from a horn, and all heads looked up to see the sky parting, Heavenly warriors pouring out, led by Kris.

Maltha hissed.  From Satan’s side, Mykas barked and snarled viciously.

“Villain!” Kris’s voice boomed.  “I knew you were up to no good.  You intend to hand the Book of Life over to the Adversary.”

“I knew this was a trap,” Satan shrieked.  “Vycra, take him back down.  They won’t trick us out of our leverage so easily.”

This was the point at which Aziraphale dropped the Book of Life, which landed with an Earth-shaking thud to the gasps of all present, and sprinted with all his force to bridge the gap between them.  He had killed Satan once, and he was prepared to do it again, and now that he had Crowley in his sight he wouldn’t let him out of it again for anything.

The sky disgorged an impressive amount of angels.  Maltha set off the signal for their reinforcements to come and snatched the Book of Life of the ground.  Satan dropped Mykas’s chain, releasing him.  Aziraphale pumped his wings and rocketed at Satan, who was handing Crowley to Vycra.

Aziraphale drew his sword.

Vycra also drew hers.

Aziraphale’s lunge at Satan was easily deflected with a sneer and a wave of her arm, sending him careening into Vycra and landing heavily at her feet.

Vycra lifted her sword to ram Aziraphale through.

This diverted her attention away from the serpent in her hand, briefly, just long enough for him to twist and spit venom in her face.

It splattered on her cheek and hit her left eye.  She recoiled, screaming, but she dropped her sword instead of Crowley.  Whatever damnable reflex was responsible for it, she dropped her sword instead of him, holding onto him like her life depended on it.

Aziraphale stood to try and wrestle Crowley off of her, but she kicked him square in the chest and flung him back.  Crowley erupted into a stream of hisses, flicking venom everywhere, but she had pointed him away from her face by this point.

“I told you to take him and go,” Satan growled.

Vycra’s gaze—one good eye, one swamped with black, crawling venom—went from Satan to Aziraphale, then she turned and spread her wings.

“No!” Aziraphale shouted.

Vycra kicked off into the air, Crowley still coiled around her arm, zigzagging around the descending heavenly forces and veering out of their path. Aziraphale leapt up to follow, unsuccessfully trying to grab onto her ankles before she got out of reach.

Vycra was a much stronger flier than he was, and it was obvious from the moment she took off he wouldn’t be able to catch up to her, but that didn’t stop him from trying.  She rocketed up into a cloud bank out of sight, and Aziraphale followed, breaking through the mist.  The sounds of the freshly started battle below faded with distance.

Aziraphale exited the cloud into an empty sky, panting and wheeling around to try and find them.  There. He spotted the archdemon diving towards the ground, where a portal to the underworld had opened up to admit her.

“No you don’t!” said Aziraphale.  He tucked in his wings and dived.  He could faintly see the serpentine figure in Vycra’s grasp writhing and struggling as they plummeted.

The portal swallowed Vycra up.

Please, Aziraphale thought, stay open just two seconds longer.

It had begun to close by the time Aziraphale reached it, but he was able to tuck and roll to fit through it.

He hit something hard and felt his nose break, his vision filled with white blurs as he tumbled over.  He finally lay motionless on the ground for a moment, his head ringing, then sat up as quickly as he could, vision spinning.

He had made it through the portal, all right, into the infernal dimension, but he hadn’t made it past the gate.  In front of him loomed a massive white stone door patterned with an eye set into a cave wall, firmly closed.  The blood smear on it told Aziraphale he had collided face-first into it.

He wiped the blood with his sleeve, springing to his feet.  Vycra must have gone inside already, somehow. Aziraphale marched around, but the little antechamber was empty, and there was nowhere they could be hiding.

Aziraphale’s heart sank as his brain began to process the fact that he had failed.  He jogged around, looking vainly for some sign that he was wrong, but the only logical conclusion was that Vycra had gone in and someone had managed to close the gate with impeccable timing to lock him out.

He marched up to the door, huffing, and knocked on it.  The eye on the door shifted to look at him.

“Let me in!” he demanded.

The eye blinked.

“I demand you let me in.”

“No,” said a voice, and the eye closed.

Aziraphale beat at the gate and yelled till he was hoarse.  Then, he sunk dejectedly down into a siting position with his back against the gate.

Now this was a predicament, wasn’t it?  What was there left to do?  They were basically back to square one.  Aziraphale’s instinct was to march in and resort to force….but he couldn’t very well do that alone.  Could he?

Tears sprung to his eyes.

No, he couldn’t even get past the gates.  He had failed.  He was a failure.

Wait a minute.  Crowley was still in danger, and Aziraphale was sitting around crying?  When had that ever accomplished anything?  There would be time to feel miserable later.  For now, he had to put his anger aside and act smartly…something he hadn’t traditionally been very good at.

The first step would be to regroup…Except he had left the rest of his party in the middle of a huge battle with Heaven.  His mouth felt dry thinking about it.  Maybe there wouldn’t be anyone else to help him when he got back.

Surely they all had good enough survival instincts to get out of there alive?

Yes.  He had to trust them.  Now he just had to regroup with them.

Except…

This Hell did not have a static exit like the Hell in their home universe had. The antechamber he found himself in was just a smooth unbroken cave.  The only exit was the stone door behind him, which remained firmly shut.

“Oh bugger,” he said.

The only way to leave must be through the same kind of magic used to access it in the first place.  Aziraphale patted his pockets, trying to gauge whether or not he had the spell ingredients necessary to concoct such a ritual.

He thought again about the Heavenly armies pouring down onto Satan’s head. No way Hell would win that fight. Satan would probably be retreating soon, so he’d better hurry before she showed up.

Unless…?  Maybe he could hide and then when the gates opened, sneak in?  That seemed incredibly dangerous, and very foolish.  Maltha, or Mykas, or even Uriel would probably be able to figure out a way to get through the gates; the opportunity to get in wasn’t so rare he needed to risk going in alone.

He got out a piece of chalk and started drawing a circle he supposed might get him back up to Earth.  He laid out the ingredients in his pockets and frowned as he noticed he was short on the prerequisite amount of sulfur needed. Best to try it anyway.

Aziraphale mixed everything together and laid it out, lighting the candles and saying the incantation.  The candles fizzled out, but nothing happened.

“Hmm,” said Aziraphale.

A portal zoomed open in the wall.

“Ah, there we go,” said Aziraphale, paying no mind to the fact that it decidedly hadn’t come from his spell.

Maltha’s head peeked in.  She had a volley of fresh claw marks scored down her face and leading into her neck. “Aziraphale,” she hissed.  “Get out here.  Satan is coming.”

“Is everyone else here too?” said Aziraphale.  “They must’ve gotten not too far, I was thinking we could—”

“She called for reinforcements,” Maltha said tightly.  “You will die.  Get the fuck out here.”

Aziraphale, chastised, stepped out without further argument.

Maltha grabbed his belt to haul him out faster.  He found himself on the roof of the church they had convened at earlier.  The portal to Hell closed behind him.

In the distance, where the sky had been rent to produce Heaven’s armies, the two forces could be seen retreating to their respective strongholds. Satan’s escort had swelled to include an arm of cavalry mounted on Hellhorses, and Azirpahale could sense the presence of at least three archdemons that definitely hadn’t been there before.  The fiery hooves of the horses and the miscellaneous flames on the infantry glowed faintly in the darkness of the black gate swallowing them up.

Maltha was right, Aziraphale would have been trampled.  He tugged at his collar, sweating.  He looked to Maltha, who had plopped herself down tiredly on the roof shingles.  Besides the injury on her face, it looked like most of the feathers on her right wing had been torn off, as well as a few injuries to her arms and torso that had been partially healed.

He looked around.  Mykas was lying out, whining faintly under a crisscross of lacerations from holy weapons on his snout and all over his body.  Victoria had lost her left arm, which had been lopped off just above the elbow and cauterised with infernal fire, by the looks of it.  Poor Ramial was sitting on a pipe with a leg injury that looked like it would make her unable to stand.

Only Uriel, sitting on the edge of the roof with the Book of Life on her lap, was uninjured.

“What happened?” Aziraphale asked.

“They weren’t quite sure what to make of us,” said Victoria with a pained smile. “So we got attacked by both sides.”

Aziraphale sat down heavily, his head in his hands.

“I don’t suppose you managed to catch up to Vycra?” said Uriel.

“No, of course I didn’t,” Aziraphale snapped.  “Don’t be stupid.”

Uriel turned red.

“I see you managed to get away with your precious Book, though,” Aziraphale fumed.  “For all the good it does us.”

“Aziraphale, I gave the Book of Life to Uriel and told her to run to keep Heaven from getting it again,” said Maltha.  “It’s our best leverage over Satan right now.  She still clearly wants it.”

She was right, but that didn’t mean Aziraphale had to be polite.  He glowered without apologising.

“All right,” said Victoria, still breathing heavily.  “So that was a failure.  But we all made it out alive, and we’ve still got the Book, and there’s still time.  We’ve got…” She struggled to count on her fingers with only one hand.  “…eight hours left.”

“Eight hours…”  Aziraphale grappled with a hard dilemma:  if the time came and went, would he go back home and try to think of an alternate plan? …Or would he stay here in this universe, even if it meant being trapped, to try and get Crowley back?

Maltha exhaustedly leaned onto a gargoyle for support, running her hands up and down her injuries.  “All right. There’s no way around it.  I was really hoping there was, but there isn’t. The time for clever plans and bargaining is over.  We have to stop pissing around.”

“Full-frontal assault,” said Mykas.

Victoria nodded.  “Then let’s go.”